So what, we've been gone six months. So what, almost the entire NFL season came and went. We have NBA hoops now, gentlemen, and that's what makes us want to put words and pictures together in humorous and informative manners. Without further ado, the third part in our once ongoing series on the NBA's least pretty stars.
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SOUTHEAST DIVISION
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Atlanta Hawks
The 2012 Atlanta Hawks are not necessarily a gifted team in the way of looks. Marvin Williams suffers from eyes-clinging-together syndrome. Josh Smith looks eternally sleepy. But the cake has officially been taken by Zaza Pachulia. Dude achieved lump status a WHILE back. Almost reached sincere levels of interest for "starting beef with Kevin Garnett" then everyone realized KG only jaws with the softest dudes in the league so that fizzled out quick. Doesn't help dude's cause that his name sounds like that of a hippie pornstar.
Sidenote: I'm sure there are adult films starring dreadbabes. Have yet to come across one.
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Charlotte Bobcats
Here's another case of "this guy must be a goofball based on his name alone." However, I always imagined Byron as a somewhat distinguished goofball. Untrue. Guy looks like Adam Morrison 2.0 minus reefer and minus sunlight. Great eyebrows, though. Can't fault the man there.
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Miami Heat
Shane Battier's head has always baffled me. I have often asked myself "why have hair on your head if you're a basketball player?" It can only get in the way Steve Nash style or look completely idiotic Anderson Varejao style. Apparently Mr. Battier has spent his entire career thinking this same exact thing. Unfortunately Shane suffers from an extraordinarily bulbous head (a la Jermaine O'Neal). His head also possesses too much skin (or something?) so that the back of his dome creases up into these insane wrinkle canyons. Perhaps it's some sort of irrigation system to keep sweat out of his eyes but probably not. More like he just needs to grow his hair out a bit so we don't have to stare at his big prune head.
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Orlando Magic
In general, the more puzzled and generally stupid a human looks the more likely it is that I find this human unpretty. In this case we're talking about Hedo Turkoglu, who not only looks the part but has also PROVEN HIS BRAIN'S INCOMPETENCE ON CAMERA. Don't come back at me with some language barrier shit. There were precisely zero wheels turning in his head during that postgame interview. Zero.
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Washington Wizards
I know we have been naming current NBA players throughout this feature, but we've got to give a benchcoach guest shoutout to one of the original unpretty ballers, Samuel James Cassell. What John Clayton is to ESPN (The Cryptkeeper), Sam Cassell is to the NBA (he looks like a fucking alien). Type "ugliest nba players" into Google Image Search and you're bound to find these things: Calvin Booth, Tyrone Hill, Chris Kaman, Joakim Noah and a vast array of images where Cassell is compared to various races of alien. Congratulations, Sam, on the longest not-pretty NBA career of all time.
