PAUL GOT THEORY VOL. 1 - MO VAUGHN'S FIVE FAVORITE RESTAURANT CHAINS

have you ever thought to yourself, "damn, i wonder if charlie villanueva is sitting down watching this very same episode of 'how i met your mother' that i am?" or, "i'd really like this tiramisu a lot more if i knew that it was goran dragic's favorite pastry"? of course you have, YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN. we here at PDL strive to help our fellow man, which is why we are introducing a new feature to our website entitled "paul got theory". NO LONGER will you have to guess at what jason varitek's favorite musical is, WE GOT YOU COVERED ("godspell", btw).

BECAUSE WHO CARES IF YOU'RE LYING ABOUT SOMEONE IF THEIR DICK IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE.

to begin our jaunt into fan-fiction, we've got THE HIT DOG and his five favorite restaurant chains. lets get wet.

HONORABLE MENTION - COMBINATION DUNKIN' DONUTS/BASKIN-ROBBINS

"excuse me sir, you can't put hot fudge on that french cruller."

"mr. vaughn, the soft serve machine is NOT made for head dunking."

"i'm sorry mo, but you can not drink the donut batter before we put it into the oven."

RULES RULES RULES. THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T GET TO BE IN THE TOP FIVE, DUNKIN.

#5 - DENNY'S 

 

let it be known that mo vaughn doesn't HAVE to eat at denny's. even though his baseball career went south well over a decade ago, he's made enough money in his life to not have to sit next to joe and judy scumbag at denny's, listening to them wax poetically about that time "metallica was really rad." but you can get like, 8 pounds of food for $5 at denny's. and a brother gotta EAT.

#4 - RED ROBIN (YUM) 

mo vaughn knows his burgers. he ain't settling for no "quarter-pound, spray it out of a hose, slap it on a bun, WE DONE" mcdonalds bullshit. AWW HELLLLL NO. the man needs some serious artery clogging ingredients and red robin has those in spades. JUST FUCKING LOOK AT THAT BURGER IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CORNER! coleslaw AND onion rings on a sandwich!? YOU MUST BE OUT YO' GOT DAMN MIND! and, to be honest, i've never been to a red robin before, but they got a kick ass slogan and that's half the battle.

#3 - CARL'S JR

yeah, i know what you're thinking - "dayyyyyyyum, that girl look GOOD. and she's eating meat? THAT'S MY DREAM GIRL, DAWG!"

news flash, hombre. tits ain't real, burger ain't real, and i think she used to date someone with two first names. just disgusting.

#2 - HOOTERS

coming in at a close second, we have hooters, or as mo calls it, "tuesday". 

now that i've made it this far, i've realized that it's actually pretty difficult to write a both original and funny joke about hooters. in retrospect, i should've picked little caesars. BECAUSE THE FUCKING JOKES JUST WRITE THEMSELVES WHEN IT COMES TO THE GREEKS.

#1 - OLD COUNTRY BUFFET 

PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED MACARONI AND CHEESE! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED SALISBURY STEAK! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED POPCORN SHRIMP! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED GOULASH! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED UNLIMITED BREAD STICKS! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED GOING UP AND GETTING THIRDS! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED THE OLD COUNTRY BUFFET, WHERE THE WEALTHY MAN CAN PAY LITTLE TO NO MONEY AND SHOVEL GRADE D FOOD DOWN HIS MOUTH GULLET JUST LIKE THE POOR MAN!

AND PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED QUADRUPLE PLY TOILET PAPER, CAUSE YOU'RE BRINGING IT ALL HOME TONIGHT!

THE MOST AMAZING FACT ABOUT MY LIFE

i've never seen a picture of edgar martinez before this instant.

MY NINE TRUE DOGGS : A CINEMATIC BASEBALL LINEUP

scenario - you're some big-time hollywood man. your days are spent golfing with billy crystal and your nights are spent dining with billy crystals. UH-OH! some intergalactic ne'er-do-wells have flown to the STATES and challenged you to a game of baseball using only movie characters. *gulp* what can you do? you've never once had aspirations to run a baseball team before, LET ALONE IN A SITUATION AS DIRE AS THIS. before tony kornheiser can ask WHO YA GOT, relax and sit back. i got it covered. put on your inner "space jam" jordan and let us pick this rag-tag team.

C - JAKE TAYLOR (MAJOR LEAGUE)

gotta start the team with the old guard. the crafty veteran. the golden retriever with hip dysplasia. jake fucking taylor. you wanna hog-dog it out there, not give 110%? jake's coming for ya. you wanna commit a couple of errors in the field to make the rookie pitcher look worse? jake's coming for ya. you wanna care more about securing your endorsements than helping your teammates? jake's coming for ya. you got a hot wife? JAKES COMING IN HER.

and lets be real here, dogg ices his knees down after every game. that's the kind of leader you need.

1B - STAN ROSS (MR. 3000)

 
every team needs a jokester to keep the clubhouse loose. you got a group of super-motivated individuals, pushing themselves to the absolute limit of their physical ability, all united for the common goal of winning a championship. the 2004 red sox would never have won without pedro martinez, the 1996 bulls would have never won without dennis rodman and the tune squad would never have won without bill murray. for this team to be successful, we need a comedian.

stan ross is not that comedian. bernie mac has never been funny. but dude got 3000 hits! 3000 CHOKE AND POKES! so he stays.

2B - BRET BOONE (SEATTLE MARINERS)

i uh.. couldn't find a second basemen. career .262 hitter. decent power. MOVING ON.

3B - ED THE CHIMPANZEE (ED)

ed's status on the team was cemented by three scenes in particular, 1) after being goaded into pitching the penultimate game, he gives the opposing team the finger. i'll take that charles oakley bad boy shit all day. 2) he throws a ball to first base so hard that it both GOES THROUGH THE MITT AND THE MITT CATCHES ON FIRE. 3) at the end of the movie, he not only racks in multiple endorsements and national television coverage, but he also teaches matt leblanc that baseball is a game played with your heart, not your head. AND THAT'S REAL, GOD DAMMIT.

SS- BENJAMIN FRANKLIN RODRIGUEZ (SANDLOT)

someone get me a god-damn towel, i am in HEAT over here. stare into those hunky latino eyes and tell that man he can't be on my team. STARE IN THOSE EYES AND TRY TO TELL HIM NO. i ain't even counting the fact that the end narration of the film tells us that he "played into the majors until he was 38". and fuck you, i know that sandlot dingers = ballpark dingers every day of the week. i don't even care. you got panty-dropping eyes like this kid and you're on my baseball team. it's that simple.

LF - WILLIE MAYS HAYES (MAJOR LEAGUE)

fuck you, i will never explain myself on this pick. this is willie god damn mays hayes. he stole 2nd base through home on consecutive pitches. he slept through half of spring training. he stole over 150 bases in a strike shortened season. he endorsed american express. he stole some of jobu's rum and there were no repercussions. he's ricky henderson on some eddie murphy shit. GOD DAMMIT, HE'S WILLIE MAYS HAYES.

but i swear to GOD, if i get the omar epps version instead of the wesley snipes version i will kill someone.

CF - THE ANGELS (ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD)

 

uh oh, here comes albert pujols up to the plate. he's been absolutely feasting on mediocre pitching all year. here comes the pitch... cracked into the deep part of the ballpark! it looks to be unreachable! wait a minute! THE ANGELS OUTFIELDER JUST FLEW 35 FEET INTO THE AIR AT ROUGHLY 40 MPH TO SNAG THE BALL BEFORE IT REACHED THE STANDS! A-MAZING!

two outs now and up to the plate steps bonds. first pitch smashed down the left field line! if it stays in fair territory the giants win the pennant! it's.... it's.... THE FOUL POLE JUST BENT OUT OF THE WAY OF THE BALL! IT'S A FOUL BALL! A FOUL BALL!

FUCK YOUR TALENT I GOT GHOSTS

RF - BABE RUTH ( THE BABE)

fat fuck in his fat fuck prime. a surprisingly difficult choice between, arguably, the best baseball player of all time and mae "all-the-way" mordabito from "a league of their own". while i normally would write something funny here comparing the two players, i really just want to fuck a young madonna.

P - HENRY ROWENGARTNER (ROOKIE OF THE YEAR)

we already have a chimp, a bunch of angels, a mildly retarded mid 90's infielder and a fat fuck on the team, might as well round it out with a cyborg. to be honest, i always thought that it was kind of bullshit that the kid who could fire the ball at over 100 mph won the pennant for the cubs by throwing a fucking eephus pitch. but his mom is a slut who ended up with gary busey, so uh, c'est la vie.

DOPE JERSEYS ALERT

TOP 6 MLB FASHIONS FOR 2011

#6: The San Diego Padres have gotten rid of their gold road uniforms, trading in for a standard grey jersey that SERIOUSLY resembles the classic grey Yankees aesthetic. Some sort of depressing combination of "if ya can't beat em, join em" and "dress 4 success" that will never help drive San Diego jersey sales no matter how many dingers Brad Hawpe cracks. However, they've got the whole military appreciation thing going so that can't be doing that poorly - there's gotta be people looking to rep the MLB during hunting season. Look no further than the MARPAT digital pattern fresh for 2011 sans green tones.
#5: Shouts out to the Reds and the Tigers for honoring the late manager Sparky Anderson with black patches all season. The Indians are patching for Bob Feller and the Dodgers are mourning for Duke Snider, but Sparky Anderson is a better baseball name than Feller and Snider combined so he gets the love. Dude lucked out -- really shouldn't be named Sparky unless you play baseball or you are a dog. Check the Tigers' version below:
#4: See that jersey way up at the top? That's the light blue satin unis that the Dodgers wore during night games in 1944. Nearly 70 years later they're bringing it back -- sort of. They're rocking the powder blue Royals vibe on Dodger Stadium day games, though they didn't splurge on the satin. Sorry Matt Kemp, you'll have to settle for polyester like all the other guys.

#3: This year the Angels are on some huge throwback kick cos of their 50th anniversary. For starters, they're changing the silver halo to a classic gold (immediately thought of like... 1991 Chili Davis up there). Then, according to wikipedia, on "selected Friday night games" the Angels will don replicas of five of the six different jerseys the team has worn over the past half-century. I'm gunning for the goofy pinstripe Jim Edmonds-era duds below:
#2: Oakland got nostalgic for a time when they were a killer team. Maybe all this new young pitching went to their head. See Coco Crisp above killing shit in his swagged out school bus yellow Rollie Fingers style jersey. Shit's almost as putrid as them disgusting old Padres uniforms except this time it's only half a body of yellow, not a whole one, otherwise sunglasses would be made mandatory, even in domes.

#1: The Mariners are making an attempt to channel some mean 1996 Randy Johnson/Griffey Junior/young A-Rod/Joey Cora vibes with their alternative teal jerseys. They only wear them on Monday and Friday home games, so it's a rare treat for the Safeco crowd. This must be a plea for M's fans to hesitate when throwing rotting vegetables onto the field -- them stains will NEVER get outa the teal. Save the slop for navy nights, at the very least your boys can LOOK good.

(ALL IMAGES VIA GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH)

TOP 7 CARDS FROM THE DONRUSS '91 SET

#7

no, see, this is all wrong. you go get back on the blue jays right now, joe carter. ain't no one want to see a black man wearing head to toe brown. confuses the eyes.

#6

"hello, earth? i think i hear someone coming. i'm going to make contact. over and out, earth. bye."

#5

this has to be an in-joke on sandy alomar, right? like, donruss wouldn't have chosen a suited, out-of-focus, mid-blink sandy alomar unless he slept with someone's wife at donruss headquarters. it's the only explanation. or, well, maybe he lost his bet on who would end up being the only relevant alomar OHHH FUUUUUCK ROB3RTO.

#4

pre-roids brady anderson is such a hunk-boat. all the women of central maryland just creaming their zoombas whenever he trotted out of the dugout. "OH MY GAWWW... SHEILA, LOOKIT BRADY. LOOKIT THAT PHYSIQUE. HE COULD THROW ME ALL THE WAY FROM HERE TO ANNAPOLIS AND I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO CHECK MY LUGGAGE."

#3

a couple things here, 1) who the heck is this mongoloid, and how was he even marginally talented enough to warrant the elusive "MVP" card? 2) just how much does his head weigh? guy looks like he's in the middle of re-staging a scene from "scanners". seriously though, thats gotta be tipping the scales at about 12 pounds, or 28 pudding singles for our canadian readers (did i convert that correctly? i don't want to get a lot of hate mail.)

#2

 

unh get out the waaaaaaaay (soulja), pretty boy coming through. 

#1

ohh pedro, pedro, pedro. what did the cruel men at donruss do to your beautiful latin features? and what a pose! looks like he's squinting at something that he can't quite smell (a daily occurrence, no doubt). mmm, and how your sideburns slowly morph into the shading on your cheeks? beautiful. throw in a case of wesley willis forehead, and we're looking at 4 demented pug-dog humans outta 5. good show.