BECAUSE WHO CARES IF YOU'RE LYING ABOUT SOMEONE IF THEIR DICK IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE.
to begin our jaunt into fan-fiction, we've got THE HIT DOG and his five favorite restaurant chains. lets get wet.
HONORABLE MENTION - COMBINATION DUNKIN' DONUTS/BASKIN-ROBBINS
"excuse me sir, you can't put hot fudge on that french cruller."
"mr. vaughn, the soft serve machine is NOT made for head dunking."
"i'm sorry mo, but you can not drink the donut batter before we put it into the oven."
RULES RULES RULES. THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T GET TO BE IN THE TOP FIVE, DUNKIN.
#5 - DENNY'S
let it be known that mo vaughn doesn't HAVE to eat at denny's. even though his baseball career went south well over a decade ago, he's made enough money in his life to not have to sit next to joe and judy scumbag at denny's, listening to them wax poetically about that time "metallica was really rad." but you can get like, 8 pounds of food for $5 at denny's. and a brother gotta EAT.
#4 - RED ROBIN (YUM)
mo vaughn knows his burgers. he ain't settling for no "quarter-pound, spray it out of a hose, slap it on a bun, WE DONE" mcdonalds bullshit. AWW HELLLLL NO. the man needs some serious artery clogging ingredients and red robin has those in spades. JUST FUCKING LOOK AT THAT BURGER IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CORNER! coleslaw AND onion rings on a sandwich!? YOU MUST BE OUT YO' GOT DAMN MIND! and, to be honest, i've never been to a red robin before, but they got a kick ass slogan and that's half the battle.
#3 - CARL'S JR
yeah, i know what you're thinking - "dayyyyyyyum, that girl look GOOD. and she's eating meat? THAT'S MY DREAM GIRL, DAWG!"
news flash, hombre. tits ain't real, burger ain't real, and i think she used to date someone with two first names. just disgusting.
#2 - HOOTERS
coming in at a close second, we have hooters, or as mo calls it, "tuesday".
now that i've made it this far, i've realized that it's actually pretty difficult to write a both original and funny joke about hooters. in retrospect, i should've picked little caesars. BECAUSE THE FUCKING JOKES JUST WRITE THEMSELVES WHEN IT COMES TO THE GREEKS.
#1 - OLD COUNTRY BUFFET
PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED MACARONI AND CHEESE! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED SALISBURY STEAK! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED POPCORN SHRIMP! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED GOULASH! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED UNLIMITED BREAD STICKS! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED GOING UP AND GETTING THIRDS! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED THE OLD COUNTRY BUFFET, WHERE THE WEALTHY MAN CAN PAY LITTLE TO NO MONEY AND SHOVEL GRADE D FOOD DOWN HIS MOUTH GULLET JUST LIKE THE POOR MAN!
AND PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED QUADRUPLE PLY TOILET PAPER, CAUSE YOU'RE BRINGING IT ALL HOME TONIGHT!
