welcome to, unquestionably, the best time of the year to be a sports fan. baseball season is in full swing (fuck a red sock), the nhl playoffs are underway (PUT ME DOWN FOR 3 ON PAVEL BURE) and barely dressed women, with their fit bodies and coochie grabbing shorts, are getting me half-magic every time i leave the house. but this malarkey is child's play compared to the real reason we're all here today : the nba playoffs. i already got goosebumps. THAT'S GOOSEBUMPS BABY, WITH A CAPITAL G.
in an effort to give back to the community that i've taken so much from, i'm going to spend the next few hours ranking the 8 first round playoff match-ups in ascending order, from least to most exciting. that's right, america, I will sort through all of this playoff riffraff for YOU. this way, if you take your time and follow my preview correctly, you can get both maximum enjoyment from the first round of the nba playoffs AND still make it to the 8pm showing of "fred claus".
CHICAGO BULLS VS. INDIANA PACERS
we start with the most lopsided match-up of the playoffs, bulls vs. pacers. the bulls have the best record in the eastern conference, the best defense in basketball, the presumed league mvp in derrick rose and a head coach who, as recently as last season, was coaching in game 7 of the nba finals. and, if that picture is any indication, they're running train on hyde park sluts after every home game. the pacers, on the other hand, have a roster that consists mostly of doofy looking white guys who don't seem to know how to hold a basketball :
if this were a crew cut contest, i'd like indiana's chances a lot more. bulls in 5.
LOS ANGELES LAKERS VS. NEW ORLEANS HORNETS
the saddest match-up of the playoffs. it has only been three years ago since chris paul took the upstart hornets to the brink of the western conference finals before being knocked out in game 7 by the san antionio spurs, in what was one of the most exciting playoff games of recent memory. flash forward three years and chris paul is STILL playing gingerly on a bad knee (an injury he sustained 2 years ago), david west (the hornets 2nd option behind paul) is gone for the rest of the season and no one in the media expects the hornets to beat the juggernaut that is the two-time defending nba champions, the los angeles lakers. personally, i'm more interested in seeing which hornet kobe calls a 'faggot' during the series but, you know me. I LOVE ME SOME GOOOOD HATE SPEECH.
lakers in 4.
SAN ANTONIO SPURS VS. MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
DID JA'LL SEE, DID JA'LL SEE WE GOT ZACH RANDOLPH? DID ANYBODY SEE THAT? YOU SEE THE MOVE ISIAH PULLED OFF? DID ANYONE SEE WHAT ISIAH PULLED OFF FOR THE NEW YORK KNICKS? DID ANYBODY SEE WHAT HE DID? WE GOT ZACH RANDOLPH! SO NOW WE GOT A BEAST TO THROW THE BALL DOWN LOW TO. THEY SCARED NOW! WE GOT HELP NOW! WE GOT HELP NOW! WE GOT ZACH RANDOLPH AND EDDY CURRY! WHAT'S UP? TALK TO ME! I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU, YOU ALREADY KNOW, EDDY CURRY ON ONE SIDE AND YOU GOT A LEFT HAND, SOUTH PAW, SWITCH IT UP, YOU THINK HE SHOOTING RIGHT BUT HE REALLY SHOOTING LEFT. COME ON NOW. LIKE, THAT'S, THAT'S, YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT. IT WAS A POWER MOVE AND WE GOT IT. WE GOT A YOUNGER, YOUTHIER PLAYER WITH THEY YOUNG ZACH RANDOLPH.
spurs in 5.
MIAMI HEAT VS. PHILADELPHIA 76'ERS
3 reasons why i want the heat to sweep this series: 1) the 76'ers have a man named jrue in their starting lineup. 2) tony battie is somewhere on their active roster. 3) a heat sweep = irrational confidence and wildly high media expectations, which will lead to 3-13 shooting nights from their stars in round 2 and another early playoff exit for lebron at the hands of the boston celtics. but, more importantly, THEY HAVE A MAN WHO SPELLS HIS NAME J-R-U-E IN THEIR STARTING LINE-UP. THAT SHIT IS UNACCEPTABLE.
heat in 6.
ORLANDO MAGIC VS. ATLANTA HAWKS
god dammit, i must have messed up somewhere along the line. there is no one out there that thinks this is the 4th most exciting playoff series. you know why this is? BECAUSE THIS SERIES HAPPENS EVERY FUCKING YEAR. let me break it down for you - orlando wins in 5, the hawks lose each of their 4 loses by somewhere between 8 and 13 points, josh smith is rumored to be traded in the offseason and they come back to win 46 games next year ONLY TO GET BEAT BY THE FUCKING MAGIC IN ROUND 1 OF THE PLAYOFFS.
it's kind of like groundhog day, except i'm not perpetually raping andie macdowell.
DALLAS MAVERICKS VS. PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS
just one second,
i'm spent. portland in 7.
BOSTON CELTICS VS. NEW YORK KNICKS
here's a game where both teams mirror one another, but for completely different reasons. on one side you have the knicks, who haven't been playing all that well since acquiring the "superstar" carmelo anthony (pro tip: if you want to be a superstar in the nba, you gotta be able to guard jj reddick). against them we have MAH BOYS, the boston celtics, still trying to find their way after getting rid of their rock in the middle, kendrick perkins. lets put it out there, once and for all - if you don't like the kendrick perkins trade IN THEORY, then you are a moron. it's pretty simple to understand the move, actually - the past 3 post-seasons, both paul pierce (ONE LOVE ONE LOVE) and ray allen have logged extensive minutes on both sides of the floor, both scoring the majority of the celtic's points on offense and guarding the league's best players on defense, pierce in particular. in just this year's playoffs alone, if the celtics are going to make it back to the finals, pierce is going to be asked to guard (presumably) carmelo anthony, lebron james, luol deng and kobe bryant IN CONSECUTIVE SERIES. this is, of course, in addition to the 20+ points a game that every celtic fan both expects AND needs from paul pierce. after tony allen was traded in the off season and 'QUIS went down to an unfortunate injury, the celtics had exactly zero players on their active roster who could back-up either paul pierce OR ray allen. BUT THEY DID HAVE 2 PLAYERS WHO YOU COULD ADEQUATELY SUBSTITUTE IN FOR KENDRICK PERKINS. could they have maybe gotten a more playoff tested player than jeff green? it's possible, BUT HIS LAST NAME IS GREEN, GOD DAMMIT. and on the celtics he belongs, hopefully living up to the pantheon of other legendary "green" celtics, such as gerald and orien.
celtics in 5.
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER VS. DENVER NUGGETS
a possible all-timer if the injured nugget's players are healthy in time for the playoffs. either way we're looking at 2 of the 4 hottest teams in basketball, post all-star break, battling in a first round playoff series. ONLY THING BETTER WOULD BE IF I GOT SOME LIPS TATTOOED ONTO MY NECK, AMIRITE? speaking of which, we can only assume that those are the lips of the tattoo artist, right? some burly, wart-infested, three-ton behemoth, just tonguing down kenyon's neck in the basement of some dingy, tattoo parlor. i mean, say what you will about his body, but he's got some damn sexy lips, right?
thunder in 7. i need a beer.
