fuuuck, someone get me some ketel one STAT, cause i plan on being here for a while. full disclosure - i am a wrestling fan. growing up in a household with two older brothers who already were fans left me with little choice but to join the choir. in the hierarchy of semi-respectable mutants, i fall within the 12th percentile, just above "fans of troma films" and right below "fans of sports talk radio". my shame is a shame kept to internet message boards, code-language with others "in-the-know" ("SHIT MAN YOU HEAR THAT POP WHEN ROCKY CAME OUT? I'M NOT GONNA LIE, I MARKED OUT") and 7-11 soft drink cups. consider this to be my cathartic moment and join me, internet, as we stroll through may 1997's wwf pay-per-view, in your house 15: a cold day in hell.
MATCH #1 : FLASH FUNK VS. HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY (W/ CHYNA)
at this point of the review, i would like to take a moment to post another picture of mr. funk.
swag.
if you're anything like me, you would think the wrestler with two big-butted ladies accompanying him to the ring every night would pick up the win, but you would be incorrect. not-quite-degenerational triple h picks up the win after his man-beast chyna clubbed mr. funk into a heap and he picked up the pieces. nowadays, flash is almost 50, still traveling the independent wrestling scene and makes most of his income signing autographs for men wearing "big dogs" apparel. triple h, on the other hand, is set to inherit the (now) wwe from his father-in-law, vince mcmahon. AT LEAST THE RIGHT WRESTLER WON, AMIRITE? if it makes you feel any better flash, triple h used to fuck chyna, so, there's that. everyone has seen chyna's gigantic clit so i don't have to post a picture of it, right? good? good.
MATCH #2 MANKIND VS. ROCKY MAIVIA
rather than talk about this match, i'm going to list my 3 favorite things of the motion picture "doom" starring dwayne "the rock" johnson. 1) first person mode, which lasted almost a half hour and included a half wheel-chaired-man half pig beast being cut in half with a chainsaw. 2) the BFG (pictured above). BFG stands for the big friendly giant but they insisted on calling it the big fucking gun the whole movie, WHICH GOT QUITE THE CHUCKLE OUT OF ME. 3) the movie stars no one else you've ever heard of. i'm serious, check the IMDB. i've been cock in hand while looking at more star power.
MATCH #3 THE NATION OF DOMINATION VS. AHMED JOHNSON
pay no attention to that man in the background, he doesn't exist yet. this is just prior to the infamous "gang wars" era of the wwf wherein the nation of domination (black supremacists) fought against the d.o.a (skinhead bikers) and the los boricuas (hispanic immigrants). as a middle-class white youth, i always just rooted for stone cold and let the riff-raff take care of itself (DELEGATION HOMEY, GET USED TO IT). ahmed would lose the match and, eventually, his spot in the company after being lost in the booking shuffle that was the 1997 wwf. personally, i'll always remember ahmed from the aptly titled "wwf: in your house" videogame. while the game itself was awful ($50 and you could unlock everything in one afternoon), after each successful match, you would be taken to a cut-scene where your wrestler would cut a promo on whomever his next opponent would be. without further ado,
MATCH #4 KEN SHAMROCK VS. VADER
non-wrestling fans may know vader as franky's lovable, yet intimidating, wrestler father on "boy meets world". there's one episode in particular where corey and shawn are vader's managers and have to stay in his corner for the duration of his match WHICH JUST SO HAPPENS to be taking place during topanga's sweet sixteen party. so corey and shawn have to keep darting back-and-forth between vader's corner and topanga's party to make it seem like they are at both events at once. now... even if i suspend my belief enough to put these two events happening in the same city, at the same time and close enough together in proximity that corey and shawn can manage to go to and fro with (seemingly) no immediate repercussions... topanga's party lasted all night. literally from 6pm til past midnight because they make a fucking joke about having to wake up for school in a few hours. so my only question is HOW THE FUCK DID VADER, WHO'S 350 LBS AND WEARS A JOCK STRAP ON HIS FACE, MANAGE TO WRESTLE A 6 HOUR LONG WRESTLING MATCH?
and the match itself was awful. ken shamrock is dick.
MATCH #5 THE MAIN EVENT : "STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN VS. THE UNDERTAKER
STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
KICK!
WHAM!
STUNNER!
STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
