Let's face it -- not everyone in the NBA is pretty. The advent of HD cameras and televisions has forced us to know what every single player we watch actually looks like and no, you don't have to be a model to be drafted into the NBA. Sure, these dudes make tons of dough to PLAY FUCKING BASKETBALL FOR A LIVING so any limitation their faces put on them is immediately lifted, but we here at Paul Don't Lie have felt the urge to single out the one player on each NBA franchise (by division) who's downright goofy, asymmetrical, proportionally challenged or otherwise unpretty. This isn't as much to make fun or hurt or be a dick as much as it is to touch upon some less glamorous players you might not know cos of reduced roles and playing times, just like when you'd catch a Dwayne Schintzius (above) card in your pack when you were young and FREAKED OUT cos of how ridiculous he looked.
Anyway, this weekly-ish segment will run throughout the playoffs and will turn into a segment more in tune with the sports cards theme as the MLB season progresses.
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ATLANTIC DIVISION
Boston Celtics
One thing's for sure -- the C's aren't a bunch of lookers. However, there's a thin-haired behemoth that has stood out from the rest since his trade from Oklahoma City -- Nenad Krstic. This photo was taken a couple years ago when he was on the Nets. Look how bald he was. There's NO WAY it's gotten any better since then and no, sorry, the disgusting pubey facial hair doesn't help. Sure, trading Kendrick Perkins a.k.a. one of the league's most menacing interior defenders to OKC may have destroyed Boston's championship hopes but more importantly they traded a guy that looks like a fly genie for a guy that looks like a slightly hairy white lump.
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New Jersey Nets
This one goes to a tie simply because these guys goof out for the same reason: protruding ears. Not sure how all four of these ears ended up on the same squad but, for real, I'm convinced Jordan Farmar can flap them shits. Brendan Wright's a bit less endowed, but makes up for it with a seriously bunk neck-beard. In fact the Nets are generally doofy dudes. Just look at Kris Humphries and I DARE YOU TO IMAGINE him making love to Kim K. Mindblowing.
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New York Knicks
Shelden Williams is never ever ever going to be on the same team for more than 2 years. Why? Because the team dancers refuse to show their faces while he's suited up. Congrats, Candice Parker -- you're way more important, skilled AND attractive than your husband. Shelden Williams on that GOOD RIDDANCE outa Boston tip.
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Philadelphia 76ers
The years have not been kind to Tony Battie. He's on some Charlie Villanueva Nosferatu shit. We'll talk more about this phenomenon in the next segment.
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Toronto Raptors
Frenchman Alexis Ajinca was most likely a first round pick because he could speak the language of love. Tony Parker. Boris Diaw. Etc. However, French or no French, this dude's got a bad case of EVEN MORE GOOFY Brendan Wright syndrome. There's just a lot going on with this guy and I haven't looked at him too closely before -- neck wider than his head (this usually freaks me out no matter what), ears pointed and jutting out, massively lanky at 7'2" and beady-eyed in his stare.
