Here we are. TODAY the ultimate marathon begins -- the NBA Playoffs. Somewhere Hubie Brown, Kenny Smith and Marv Albert are weeping with joy. Somewhere Steve Nash is weeping in his Prius. Right here? No weeping, just getting ready to flip through shitty internet streams of games for the next month and a half squinting to make out the players, praying that the video doesn't skip or cut out towards the end of the 4th quarter. Here's predictions of what'll happen in the first round:
ROUND 1. EAST.
BULLS (1) VS PACERS (8)
By far the most boring first round playoff series of 2011. Derrick Rose could play 20 minutes per game and the Bulls would still win in 5. I predict Derrick Rose scoring 30 PPG (uh.. that's in 36 minutes - otherwise he'd still score 25 PPG in 20 minutes), Danny Granger shooting 26% from the floor with 22 attempts per game, Roy Hibbert and Tyler Hansbrough completely wussing out and Joakim Noah STILL doesn't cut his hair. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
HEAT (2) VS SIXERS (7)
The Heat take this one in 5 or 6 games but I think it'd be so fantastic if they didn't. What if they lost to the Sixers in round 1? My mind was blown that the Sixers even made the playoffs. Blown even more that they didn't get the lowest seed. I'm down with Andre Iguogala and Elton Brand... and all these other role players I didn't know about til this year like Thaddeus Young and Jodie Meeks and Spencer Hawes. However, LeBron and D-Wade will top the Sixers even though Philly might take a game or two at home. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
CELTICS (3) VS KNICKS (6)
As a Celtics fan, I am terrified at the prospect of this series. I know we will win because everyone knows the Knicks don't play defense AT ALL and we are a great defensive team. However we have been falling apart in the past few weeks and we're getting soft and if we don't get a somewhat usable Shaq back we are not going very far cos of lack-of-size. Celtics in 7 games because there's no way the Celts won't fuck up and miss putting games away. Get ready for 7 games of Heat/Celtics in round 2. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
MAGIC (4) VS HAWKS (5)
The Hawks are terrible. How are they a 5 seed? They're the worst team in the playoffs, least momentum, least exciting players. Dwight Howard will devastate Al Horford and Zaza Pachulia with actual athleticism. Magic roll in 5 games but they could and should sweep. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
ROUND 1. WEST.
SPURS (1) VS GRIZZLIES (8)
For some reason I still don't believe in the 2010-2011 Spurs. Sure they'll win this series, but they're old and it'll take them 6 or 7 games which will make them tired and then they'll lose in round 2. The Grizzlies ain't the best but Z-Bo a beast, Mike Conley go hard and oh yeah Marc Gasol turned into a real NBA player. Plus they have FINALS EXPERIENCE with, you know, Tony Allen and Leon Powe iF that counts for anything. The Grizz aren't beating the Spurs here but that's okay cos, like the Spurs, they'd just lose in the next round anyway. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* LAKERS (2) VS HORNETS (7)
Chris Paul: "WE IN THE PLAY.OFFS. WE GONA SHOCK THE WORLD AND LAY ONE DOWN ON OUR FIRST ROUND OPPONENT, THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS. THEY'D NEVER EXPECT IT COS WE LOST DAVID WEST BUT WE YOUNG, WE HUNGRY, WE THIRSTY TOO. TREVOR ARIZA THIRSTY TOO. AARON GRAY THIRSTY TOO. YOU HEAR AARON GRAY THIRSTIN' OVER THERE? HE LOUD. BUT LIKE I SAID -- WE YOUNG, WE GOT ZERO GUYS OVER 30 YEARS OLD -- WE GOT STAAAMINA. AIN'T THAT RIGHT KOBE?"
I got the Lakers sweeping.
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MAVERICKS (3) VS BLAZERS (6)
Not even worth throwing up images of players from either of these teams cos this should be a BORING series. It'll last way too long and all it's going to determine is who loses to the Lakers in the next round. You know why George Karl wanted to play the Mavs round 1? Because they fucking suck and they only have two and a half good players. The Blazers are okay but only because Gerald Wallace gave them a bit of backbone. Add in LaMarcus Aldridge being a beast, Nicolas Batum being exciting and Nate McMillan's scowling face (above), the Wallace acquisition gives the edge in this series to Portland but they're going to have to do it in 7 games. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
THUNDER (4) VS NUGGETS (5)
This is the most exciting series in the playoffs. True bummer this can't be a Western Conference Finals showdown. However, I give the edge to the Thunder in this series because I don't think the Nuggets can guard BOTH Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. The Thunder got mean when they traded for Kendrick Perkins and, like that image up there, I think the Thunder can play a more physical game and overwhelm George Karl and a rollercoaster Nuggets team, effectively causing excitement over Spurs/Thunder in round 2, potential Lakers/Thunder Western Conference Finals and heartbreak for Karl's chances at ever making it to the finals again.
