MY NINE TRUE DOGGS : A CINEMATIC BASEBALL LINEUP

scenario - you're some big-time hollywood man. your days are spent golfing with billy crystal and your nights are spent dining with billy crystals. UH-OH! some intergalactic ne'er-do-wells have flown to the STATES and challenged you to a game of baseball using only movie characters. *gulp* what can you do? you've never once had aspirations to run a baseball team before, LET ALONE IN A SITUATION AS DIRE AS THIS. before tony kornheiser can ask WHO YA GOT, relax and sit back. i got it covered. put on your inner "space jam" jordan and let us pick this rag-tag team.

C - JAKE TAYLOR (MAJOR LEAGUE)

gotta start the team with the old guard. the crafty veteran. the golden retriever with hip dysplasia. jake fucking taylor. you wanna hog-dog it out there, not give 110%? jake's coming for ya. you wanna commit a couple of errors in the field to make the rookie pitcher look worse? jake's coming for ya. you wanna care more about securing your endorsements than helping your teammates? jake's coming for ya. you got a hot wife? JAKES COMING IN HER.

and lets be real here, dogg ices his knees down after every game. that's the kind of leader you need.

1B - STAN ROSS (MR. 3000)

 
every team needs a jokester to keep the clubhouse loose. you got a group of super-motivated individuals, pushing themselves to the absolute limit of their physical ability, all united for the common goal of winning a championship. the 2004 red sox would never have won without pedro martinez, the 1996 bulls would have never won without dennis rodman and the tune squad would never have won without bill murray. for this team to be successful, we need a comedian.

stan ross is not that comedian. bernie mac has never been funny. but dude got 3000 hits! 3000 CHOKE AND POKES! so he stays.

2B - BRET BOONE (SEATTLE MARINERS)

i uh.. couldn't find a second basemen. career .262 hitter. decent power. MOVING ON.

3B - ED THE CHIMPANZEE (ED)

ed's status on the team was cemented by three scenes in particular, 1) after being goaded into pitching the penultimate game, he gives the opposing team the finger. i'll take that charles oakley bad boy shit all day. 2) he throws a ball to first base so hard that it both GOES THROUGH THE MITT AND THE MITT CATCHES ON FIRE. 3) at the end of the movie, he not only racks in multiple endorsements and national television coverage, but he also teaches matt leblanc that baseball is a game played with your heart, not your head. AND THAT'S REAL, GOD DAMMIT.

SS- BENJAMIN FRANKLIN RODRIGUEZ (SANDLOT)

someone get me a god-damn towel, i am in HEAT over here. stare into those hunky latino eyes and tell that man he can't be on my team. STARE IN THOSE EYES AND TRY TO TELL HIM NO. i ain't even counting the fact that the end narration of the film tells us that he "played into the majors until he was 38". and fuck you, i know that sandlot dingers = ballpark dingers every day of the week. i don't even care. you got panty-dropping eyes like this kid and you're on my baseball team. it's that simple.

LF - WILLIE MAYS HAYES (MAJOR LEAGUE)

fuck you, i will never explain myself on this pick. this is willie god damn mays hayes. he stole 2nd base through home on consecutive pitches. he slept through half of spring training. he stole over 150 bases in a strike shortened season. he endorsed american express. he stole some of jobu's rum and there were no repercussions. he's ricky henderson on some eddie murphy shit. GOD DAMMIT, HE'S WILLIE MAYS HAYES.

but i swear to GOD, if i get the omar epps version instead of the wesley snipes version i will kill someone.

CF - THE ANGELS (ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD)

 

uh oh, here comes albert pujols up to the plate. he's been absolutely feasting on mediocre pitching all year. here comes the pitch... cracked into the deep part of the ballpark! it looks to be unreachable! wait a minute! THE ANGELS OUTFIELDER JUST FLEW 35 FEET INTO THE AIR AT ROUGHLY 40 MPH TO SNAG THE BALL BEFORE IT REACHED THE STANDS! A-MAZING!

two outs now and up to the plate steps bonds. first pitch smashed down the left field line! if it stays in fair territory the giants win the pennant! it's.... it's.... THE FOUL POLE JUST BENT OUT OF THE WAY OF THE BALL! IT'S A FOUL BALL! A FOUL BALL!

FUCK YOUR TALENT I GOT GHOSTS

RF - BABE RUTH ( THE BABE)

fat fuck in his fat fuck prime. a surprisingly difficult choice between, arguably, the best baseball player of all time and mae "all-the-way" mordabito from "a league of their own". while i normally would write something funny here comparing the two players, i really just want to fuck a young madonna.

P - HENRY ROWENGARTNER (ROOKIE OF THE YEAR)

we already have a chimp, a bunch of angels, a mildly retarded mid 90's infielder and a fat fuck on the team, might as well round it out with a cyborg. to be honest, i always thought that it was kind of bullshit that the kid who could fire the ball at over 100 mph won the pennant for the cubs by throwing a fucking eephus pitch. but his mom is a slut who ended up with gary busey, so uh, c'est la vie.