NBA EASTERN CONFERENCE GAME 5 LIVE BLOG

8:35 - REST IN PEACE TATANKA

8:37 - mike miller got more body armor than brian barber. FIGURE THAT ONE OUT, AMERICA

8:38 - next time you're feeling good about yourself, remember that carlos boozer makes $16 million a year

8:41 -NICE LAY-UP ATTEMPT, BOOZER. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, CHRIS BOSH'S HEAD IS NOT THE BASKET

8:45 -oof. first timeout of the game, bulls down 12-6. since starting the game up 4-0, the bulls are 1-8 from the field with 2 turnovers and 3 personal fouls. already thinking about turning on vh1 classic and calling it a night

8:48 -  WHO ELSE WOULD TAKE THE FIRST SHOT OUT OF THE BREAK IF NOT KEITH BOGANS?

8:52 - LOUL DENG CAROLINA RISE UP

8:56 - don't you hate it when you try to take a sip of beer but then you see udonis haslem? disgusting

8:58 - one of my favorite activities is trying to figure out which nba player is which animorph. doc rivers is a catfish, jermaine o'neal is THE sleepiest tabby cat, and etc. i guess what i'm trying to say is that derrick rose is on some puma shit

9:02 - UNH UH, YOU CAN'T TELL DENG NOTHIN'

9:03 - 15-6 chi-town run to close out the quarter, and the bulls are on top by 4 after the 1st. even more exciting : just remembered that dj qualls exists

9:07 - SENTENCES NEVER SPOKEN BEFORE VOL. 1 - " ... playing because omer asik is injured"

9:10 - remember when people used to think that kyle korver looked like ashton kutcher? #FUCKA2004

9:12 - what is more rare? : an attractive blind person or a well-executed cj watson possession?

9:14 - FUCK YES KUNG FU PANDA 2 

9:23 - SENTENCES NEVER SPOKEN BEFORE VOL. 2 - "nice job cj watson"

9:28 - whoops! mike miller is alive

9:30 - APPROVE A MILLION DOLLAR DEAL FROM MY N-GAGE

9:36 - this second quarter just isn't doing it for me. maybe it has something to do with the influx of ronnie brewer

9:38 - carlos boozer - 2 points, 3 fouls. 8 MILLION DOLLARS A POINT, PLEASE

9:44 - chicago up 7 going into haltime. derrick rose doing a shit-ton of slash and drive offense, and with deng and korver nailing their jumpers, this shit may just make it to game 7. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, 8 POINTS FROM CHRIS BOSH MEANS THAT WE'RE HAVING A REAL FUN TIME

9:47 - HALFTIME = BEANTIME. IM'A MAKE SO MANY BLACK BEANS, IT'LL MAKE YR HEAD SPIN

9:54 - just wanna slap this dude in the geico commerical so fucking bad. i'ma make a gecko stew while i'm at it

10:02 - so dwayne wade is hurt according to THE JET and steve kerr. or maybe, you know, he just don't give a fuck tonight (didn't like the new wayne? bad sex? butt grump?) and is gonna bust out for 40 in game 6

10:12 - KEITH BOGANS FOOOOOOOOOR THREE

10:13 - is how it SHOULD be delivered, if the bulls PA guy wasn't a dull fuck

10:15 - 13 point chicago lead and it's looking like the breaking point

10:17 - thinking about buying some sensodyne pronamel AND I AIN'T EVEN GOT SENSITIVE NAMEL

10:21 - never hated anything more than mike miller's mouth-guard

10:23 - BOOZER GOONS UP LEBRON AND THE CROWD GOES WILD

10:27 - annnnnnnnd the wheels have gone off. HEY BOOZER, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SENDING A MESSAGE TO LEBRON WHEN YR ONLY UP 9 AND BARELY HANGING ON IN THIS SERIES

10:29 - there is nothing funnier than marv albert reading promos for franklin and bash

10:30 - CHRISH BASH

10:32 - had i actually gone and watched vh1 classic back when chicago was up 13, and you told me that the heat would have 57 points going into the 4th quarter, i would have probably guessed the bulls were up 28. but carlos boozer is 1-7 with 2 rebounds and 0 attractive faces and the bulls are only up 5. BARNBURNER

10:39 - kurt thomas has been playing professional basketball since before i had pubes

10:41 - STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES, PEOPLE MAGAZINE GAVE FRANKLIN AND BASH 3 OUTTA 4 STARS

10:48 - loul deng checks back in with 5 fouls and over 7 minutes to go. steve kerr talking like it's a risky decision. they're down 3-1. fuck you steve kerr

10:53 - KURT THOMAS TONE SETTER LIKE WHOA. but, once again, flagrant fouls when you're BARELY hanging on in this series is such a dicey move... 

11:01 - and in the end, it all came down to ronnie brewer and kurt thomas like we all knew it would

11:06 - hole-y shit. wade with a redic 3 AND 1. heat down 3 with about a minute twenty to go

11:10 - this lebron character is pretty good

11:15 - unreal.

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS GAME 2 LIVEBLOG

8:32 -- So the Ice Cube Coors Light commercial is growing on me as one of the funniest ads of the 2011 playoffs. "DID YOU JUST SNOW ON ME?" Really too bad it was just followed by Outback Steakhouse a.k.a. the bottom of the bucket.
8:34 -- Pretty cool how they play Common & Kanye's "Southside" in the intro and you don't have to hear Common at all.
8:42 -- So far the only notable thing about this game is that I still don't like Carlos Boozer's beard.
8:44 -- Kevin Harlan just referred to Bogans as Boozer and this further proves that Kevin Harlan should commit a sex crime and get fired. Oh? What's that? It's actually Marv Albert? a-hee-hee
8:45 -- It's ridiculous that Jamaal Magloire is playing let alone dunking. 18 regular season game, second of this series. Get off the floor, let Udonis Haslem play and get that second "a" out your name.
8:52 -- LUOL DENG ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
8:56 -- C.J. Watson sleeve swagged up.
9:01 -- The Heat. You Scared.
9:10 -- Three quick fouls on Chicago in the first 46 seconds of the third quarter. Conspiracy <3 South Beach.
9:17 -- I don't think I've ever see this Heat lineup -- Rose, Brewer, Korver, Gibson, Asik. Still not into Asik's game enough to think its a good idea to keep that lineup out for long but it's working.
10:19 -- Oops Miami eight unanswered points after I forgot to go back and watch the start of the second half. Now What?
10:23 -- That Udonis dunk, she wrote.
10:29 -- You think if Haslem blew out his braids it'd look like Joakim head?
10:45 -- Dwayne Wade threw the ball off of Omer Asik and it went out of bounds and the Bulls got the ball.
10:46 -- Derrick Rose wants to win so much more than everyone else on the floor.
10:54 -- Miami Big Three ain't scored in the last 10 minutes. How does that make any sense at all? Also, there is no player I like to see bleed more than Omer Asik.
11:01 -- United Center blasting "Everybody Dance Now" post LeBron breaking the tie and putting the Heat up 5.
11:03 -- Taj Gibson has gotten some stupid dunk attempts to go in tonite, though fails to convert on the and-1.
11:07 -- Well, sorry Chicago. LeBron 'BOUNCED BACK' and did ya good. SEE YOU IN SOUTH BEACH.

NBA'S LEAST PRETTY BALLERS 2010-11 PT. 2

 

first and foremost, we at paul don't lie apologize for the sporadic updates as of late. one of us just started a full-time job and the other REALLY fucking likes 'king of the hill', so there's maybe five hours in the day when he's not boomin' his hauer. BUT WE PULLIN' A GRANT HILL, AMERICA! WE RISING! and what better way to come back than to post pictures of ugly dudes who pull tail WAY above their heads. call it petty, call it mean, call it whatever you want. just remember : if you have money, we all fucking hate you.

CENTRAL DIVISION

CHICAGO BULLS

UPSET ALERT! UPSET ALERT! UPSET ALERT!

fucccck, we starting with some controversial shit right here. everyone in the audience was CERTAIN that we were going joakim. betting their cars. betting their mortgage. betting their KIDS. "MONEY IN THE BANK," they shouted, "MONEY IN THE BANK!" someone better call dolph ziggler, cause we're gonna need some crowd control in this joint. and i mean, c'mon, lets be frank - joakim noah is not a handsome man, far from it. i know this just as well as you do. I'M NOT BLIND! but, ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT an ugliness contest. this is a least pretty contest. and omer asik is the least pretty man i've seen all day. just look at him. FUUUUCK! he may only be fifteen years old, he may exclusively listen to train, i just don't know, but this sweaty turk DEFINITELY has a quaff, so he sucks and i hate him. 

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS

IS THAT ED BEGLEY JR? IS THAT CHRIS MULLIN WITH A SERIOUS CASE OF BAD HEAD? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? pro tip, ladies : if a guy wears a number higher than forty-three, he's going to end up either pissing on your couch or pissing in your sink. WOULD YOU RISK ALL THAT JUST TO HANG OUT WITH STAN SITWELL? 

DETROIT PISTONS 

[this post has been redacted by the american cancer society. we wholeheartedly apologize for any pain or suffering it may have caused]

FREE KEVIN THAT'S THE FUCKING SHIT

INDIANA PACERS 

something i'm noticing after going through all of these teams: white nba players are SO much less pretty than their black counterparts. i'm talking nine times out of ten, as you look up and down the roster of a team, you're going to be DISGUSTED by the white bois that you find. case in point, mike dunleavy jr. do i blame this on the fact that they're mostly 7 foot tall eastern europeans with bad haircuts? fuck and yes.

MILWAUKEE BUCKS 

i'm conflicted with this one. drew gooden isn't what i would refer to as a pretty man (CARLOS DELFINO RISE UP), but he ain't no jordan farmar looking mo'fucker either. but there is NO ONE on the roster that is i better choice, i swear. i'm telling you, take a look at the milwaukee bucks roster and find someone else. GO AHEAD NOW! I GOT TIME AND A BOWL OF RICE, I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE! and fuck YOU if you tell me that i should've picked luc richard mbah a moute. dudes got swagger by the letter and fuck if that ain't a lot.

BULLETPOINTS: LAKERS VS MAVERICKS GAME 4

1. The Lakers... embarrassing, right? Gasoft.
2. Lamar Odom is a jerk, but Andrew Bynum is a thug. J.J. Barea is a TINY MAN. I'm talking small like the dude in the Thunder jersey in that one NBA commercial where he dreams of hitting a buzzer beater against the Celtics. Andrew Bynum is an ENORMOUS MAN just knocking down the scrappy little Puerto Rican dude for no reason.
3. So long Phil Jackson. Wouldn't your FOURTH three-peat have tasted like a so delicious luxury meal? Yes, it would have. But instead you got swept, which I'm sure tastes more like shit. BRING ON THE BRIAN SHAW ERA.
4. Simply put, this game was ONLY fun to watch if you're a Mavericks fan. Who wants to see any team slaughter another team unless it's the team they're rooting for? Big ups to the Mavs though -- 60% from the field including 62.5% from three point range. That's evidence of wanting to win right there. Dirk Nowitzki only scored 17 points (well under his 25.7PPG playoff career average) but the bench killed it with Jason Terry, Peja Stojakovic and J.J. Barea combining for 75 points on 27 for 35 shooting. Mindblowing.

ONE WORD : TRUTH

BULLETPOINTS : GRIZZLIES VS. THUNDER GAME 3

1. i hate russell westbrook. easily my least favorite player in the nba. i understand that he's a shoot-first point guard. i understand that his confidence is through the roof after being the thirrd best player on the FIBA championship team. i understand that he's possibly the most agile guard in the nba, save for rondo and d-rose. but he is, easily, THE WORST point guard in the nba. let me breakdown a russell westbrook half-court possession - dribble the ball by yourself four feet from the three-point line for ten seconds, call off durant who is looking to set a high screen, drive to your "spot" on the floor (aka eighteen feet from the hoop at the shoulder of the free-throw line), hoist up and miss a jumper. i counted, and durant did not touch the ball in four of the final eight possessions of the game. FOUR OF THE FINAL EIGHT! AND WESTBROOK DIDN'T EVEN PASS THE BALL IN THREE OF THOSE! fuck you russell westbrook. watch 'boondock saints' on your own time.

2. i've been down on kendrick perkins for pretty much the entire playoffs so far, but he did show up to play today. thirty plus minutes, thirteen boards and, most importantly, he played up his enforcer role as best he could. too bad he has to double those numbers for the rest of this series to match the production of the memphis front-court. thunder front-court (ibaka and perkins) : a combined twenty points and twenty one boards. serviceable, but nothing amazing. the memphis front-court (randolph and gasol), meanwhile : a combined thirty seven points and twenty eight (!) boards. total destruction. even the iranian dream, hamed haddadi, threw up five points in six minutes. swag.

3.  this series is hardly over yet (and i do expect it to go seven), but memphis is going to win every single one of these hard-nosed, grind-it-out, make-every-possession-count type of games. and that's an amazing thing to say because they have tony allen on their team and he's the biggest fuck up in the nba. in the second quarter, dude hung on the rim after fouling a player, giving them an automatic basket, a free-throw AND a technical free-throw. such a fucking moron.

4. in z-bo we trust.

AN ODE TO MY FAVORITE GERMAN

DIRK,
OH DIRK.
DO OTHERS UNDERSTAND?
DO OTHERS KNOW JUST HOW TALENTED YOU ARE?
DO OTHERS REALIZE THAT YOU JUST PUT THE LAKERS IN, AS BERNIE MAC WOULD SAY, "TROUBLEEEE TROUBLEEEE TROUBLEEEE"?

WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES YOU SO WONDERFUL?
IS IT YOUR TOOTHY GRIN?
YOUR  HAPPY DISPOSITION?
YOUR MONGO FOREHEAD?
YOUR UNABATED LOVE FOR A SHORT CANADIAN WITH FLOPPY HAIR?

TRUTHFULLY, I DON'T EVEN CARE, BUT JUST TELL ME THIS,
HOW DO YOU SHOOT OFF ONE FOOT WITH MORE ACCURACY THAN I HAVE WITH TWO?
AND I'M TRYING DIRK, I SWEAR -
SPOT UP, SHOULDERS LEVEL WITH MY KNEES, LET 'ER RIP -
NOTHING BUT BACK RIM.

BUT YOU, DIRK, YOU ARE JUST SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
YOU THROW THE BALL AT THE HOOP ALL WILLY NILLY,
SEEMINGLY WITH NO IDEA WHERE IT'S GOING TO LAND.
BUT, WHOOPS, GUESS WHERE IT LANDED?
BOTTOM OF THE NET, BOUNCING OFF LAMAR ODOM'S HEAD.

IS IT A COINCIDENCE THAT YOUR BEST WEEK AS A PRO COINCIDES WITH THE RELEASE OF THOR?
I'M NOT ONE TO MAKE BIG CLAIMS, DIRK,
BUT LETS SAY YOU ARE A GOD.
LETS SAY YOU ARE THOR -
LET ME FUCK NATALIE PORTMAN.

NBA ROUND 2 LIVE BLOG

1:02 - hubie brown is 2 months away from his nose falling off, his face becoming a bit more gaunt, and speaking entirely in puns. HE MY CRYPTKEEPER

1:07 - z-bo got the prettiest, ugly offense i've ever seen.

1:08 - Z BO BARRELING DOWN THE LANE. he's got 7 points, the thunder have 4. ONE MAN GANG ONE MAN GANG

1:11 - good to see that kp43 still wraps his hands in granite before every game

1:12 - i'm just kidding kendrick. daddy misses you

1:15 - is green lantern going to be all outer-space fighting or will i get some shirtless ryan reynolds as well?

1:18 - mike conley look like a swaggier robert downey jr

1:19 - LIL B AS TONY STARK 2014

1:23 - is there any nice way to say that a brother looks like he shops at tj maxx? cause i don't have many kind words to say about his basketball ability, but shane battier looks like he's REAL good at tennis.

1:28 - AT THE END OF 1, GRIZZLIES = 28, THUNDER = 24, GREIVIS VASQUEZ = LOSER

1:34 - DAEQUAN COOK IS STILL IN THE NBA?!

1:38 - oooooh, oj the juiceman with the FINE take AND 1. grizzlies looking like they're on some 'we are marshall' shit so far

1:42 - someone get james harden some ciabatta rolls. looks like a sad dad

1:45 - smoov' sam young with a nice putback and memphis up 11 early on. but hey, at least oklahoma city still has ______

1:50 - all z-bo do is grab weakside boards ALL DAY LONG

1:52 - SAM YOUNG WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHOT?! HERO

1:57 - westbrook has already entered into "huck it" mode. fastest guy on the court BY FAR and he settles for 14 foot jumpers

1:58 - MIKE CONLEY 25 FOOT BOUNCE PASS FUCK HAVE MY BABIES

2:02 - YOU CAN NOT STOP MIKE CONLEY! HE WILL PUT THAT BALL INTO THE SQUARE OF YOUR BACK AND GET FREE THROWS FOR IT

2:04 - "I MEAN, WE FEEL GOOD. WE GOT YOUNG GUYS. THEY SHOULDN'T EVER BE TIRED" - ZACH RANDOLPH

2:05 - grizzlies up 10, 57 - 47, at halftime. quick thoughts on the first half - 1. if memphis can keep hitting jump shoots, tell me why they can't win the nba title this year? 2. everyone praises OKC for being young, fast and athletic, but save for westbrook, durant, and maybe SERGE IBLOCKA, memphis is younger, faster and more athletic than everyone on OKC. 3. HELLO? KENDRICK PERKINS? YOU THERE, BUDDY? YOU WANNA START PLAYING DEFENSE ON Z-BO OR DO... UH... ANYTHING OF NOTE?

2:16 - strong proponent of abc using 'thunderoad' as bumper music. STRONG PROPONENT

2:25 - fuuuuuuuuck, that cover of 'black dog' is the worst thing i've ever heard and they just keep playing it over and over and over and over and

2:27 - all mike tirico talks about is how "russell westbrook can't finish at the rim." UNLIKE MIKE TIRICO, WHO TOLD A GIRL THAT, IF HE WAS SINGLE, HE WAS GOING TO THROW HER ON A TABLE AND FUCK HER BRAINS OUT

2:28 - http://deadspin.com/#!191242/here-are-those-tirico-stories-we-hinted-at-last-week

2:30 - FUCK TONY ALLEN WITH THE SPIDERMAN STEAL. thunder down 3 with z-bo heading to the line for 2

2:32 - Z-BO! SO MANLY! MEMPHIS BACK UP 7

2:35 - the last few minutes of the game has turned into zach randolph vs. kevin durant. HONEY DEW DONUTS VS. PANERA BREAD

2:42 - "every team should have at least 3 or 4 nick collisons" - hubie brown

2:43 - 2 minutes and change to go in the 3rd, memphis up 9, Z-BO with 26 points already. someone get that man a fucking towel

2:46 - IBLOCKA'S GOT 14 BLOCKS IN THE PAST 7 QUARTERS WHAT THE FUCK

2:50 - 9-0 memphis run to finish the quarter at they're up 13 points as we go to the 4th. HEY THUNDER, PRO TIP : GUARD THE STUPID LOOKING BIG GUYS ON MEMPHIS. DOESN'T MATTER WHICH RACE YOU CHOOSE, JUST GUARD THEM

2:58 - all the grizzlies with a positive "plus-minus" EXCEPT tony allen. OOPS!

3:01 - WHO THE FUCK IS DARRELL AURTHUR? I PLAYED FANTASY BASKETBALL. I KNOW MOST OF THE NBA. WHO THE FUCK IS DARRELL AURTHUR?

3:09 - c'mon memphis, don't forget who brought you to the dance. feed the ball to z-bo

3:13 - STOP HITTING MARC IN THE FACE. don't want that boy to be any uglier than he already is. dude is reppin' a 18 and 10, though.

3:17 - the thunder have officially entered in "european basketball mode". aka flopping. every fucking possession

3:19 - i think russell westbrook has to be the most frustrating player in the nba. 8 for 21, 13 missed jumpers. HEY BRAY, YOU GOT KEVIN DURANT ON YOUR TEAM. JUST GIVE HIM THE BALL EVERY TIME DOWN THE COURT

3:24 - side note : FUCK YOU BOBBY JENKS  

3:26 - timeout on the floor, memphis up 11, 106 - 95. z-bo has 31 and 11 and is my favorite man

3:32 - memphis is going to win this one. first 8 seed to ever win the first game of their next series. i've been preaching it all day, but, really Z-BO

3:35 - he and gasol combine for 50 and 22. WOWZERS. memphis wins by 13, 114 - 101. this is going to be a real good series, mainly if westbrook starts hitting his shots. while westbrook was a glaring fault today, the thunder are going to have to get some production out of perkins and/or harden as well. IBLOCKA is a beast, no doubt, and durant will always get his, but the jeff green trade was to both showcase harden more (who shit the bed) and, obviously, acquire perkins (who only put up 2 points, 6 rebounds and 1 assist but somehow felt even more useless) and they both contributed nothing. if memphis continues to dictate the flow of the game via turnovers and fast-break points, along with hitting their jumpers, they're taking the series in 6.

EITHER WAY FUCK BOBBY JENKS AND THE MIAMI HEAT