NBA PLAYOFFS PREVIEW PT. 2A

Three big surprises for me in Round 1: The Mavs not blowing it, the Magic completely blowing it and the Grizzlies GOING IN on some 2007 Golden State Warriors shit. Otherwise everything I predicted went pretty much as planned, aside from the Celtics SWEEPING and the Lakers NOT sweeping. Now we've got 4 really interesting series to determine the Conference Finals contenders and HOLY SHIT it's still possible that we could have a Celtics-Thunder Final. Impossible? No. Improbable? Yeah.

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EAST

#1 BULLS VS #5 HAWKS

I think the Bulls will win this series mostly because I had zero faith in the Hawks that they'd beat the Magic in Round 1. However, the Hawks have a couple advantages over Chicago. I mentioned the other day how Atlanta has Chicago's 2-guard spot's number no matter what. There's no one in their rotation to stop Joe Johnson. And don't expect Keith Bogans to go for 5 three-pointers again like he did in a game last round. The Hawks also might have a slight advantage at the Power Forward position. There's some speculation that Carlos Boozer is too soft for playoff basketball. Dude doesn't play defense and his offensive numbers have been way down this postseason. He's only scoring 10 points per game, down 7PPG from the regular season, and he's down from 51% shooting in the regular reason to 36% in the playoffs. Al Horford, on the other hand, has been on the up. I expect Johnson and Horford to score more in this series than versus the Magic.

However, the rest of the Bulls are just too much. Gimped-out Kirk Heinrich won't be able to contain Derrick Rose. Then again, who can? Joakim Noah will outplay the Hawks' center position, causing Zaza Pachulia to become completely useless. Noah is nuts. Do you think Zaza is sophisticated enough to know the difference between getting into Dwight "referee target" Howard's head or into a wild man's head? Bulls in 6.



#2 HEAT VS #3 CELTICS

This is probably the most anticipated series in the entire playoffs. The Big Three versus The Fantastic Four Formerly Known As The Big Three. Everyone's talking how Rondo has to take over Boston's offense in order for them to win. I say he will do this 4.5 times out of the 7 games with at least one triple double and no more of that scoring 30 points business. This is the Celts' last chance to win with their aging core unless they miraculously pick up Dwight Howard as a result of his impending free agency in 2012. I don't think there's a real favorite here, but I'm going Celtics in 7 games because 1) I want to see as much playoff basketball as possible and 2) I want to see Mike Miller cry.

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WEST

#8 GRIZZLES VS #4 THUNDER

Celtics/Heat is the most anticipated match-up of the playoffs but this series is the most exciting and least expected. I think the Thunder have the edge cos of their superstar power with Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, but the Grizzles have a lot of momentum. Either way, there's a storyline as long as one of these teams play the Lakers in the Conference Final. There's the OKC/Los Angeles rematch from last year, then again there's the HOT Gasol/Gasol action if Memphis wins. I say Thunder in 7 with the edge strictly because of Durant. However, if they keep on giving the ball to Westbrook in crunch time and he keeps blowing it I don't know how long they'll survive. Also James Harden's beard > O.J. Mayo's beard.

#2 LAKERS VS #3 MAVERICKS

The Mavericks are still the most boring team in the playoffs, so what better way for them to leave the playoffs than by being trounced by the Lakers? I think very few people have Dallas in this series and for good reason -- they're old. I'm sick and tired of Rick Carlisle. I'm sick and tired of Shawn Marion and Jason Kidd shooting the ball. I'm sick and tired of Dirk Nowitzki post-game interviews. I don't WANT THE LAKERS to win, but if they do it'd be a better storyline for the Conference Finals and THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, YA CREAMO. Lakers in 6.

PAUL GOT THEORY VOL. 1 - MO VAUGHN'S FIVE FAVORITE RESTAURANT CHAINS

have you ever thought to yourself, "damn, i wonder if charlie villanueva is sitting down watching this very same episode of 'how i met your mother' that i am?" or, "i'd really like this tiramisu a lot more if i knew that it was goran dragic's favorite pastry"? of course you have, YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN. we here at PDL strive to help our fellow man, which is why we are introducing a new feature to our website entitled "paul got theory". NO LONGER will you have to guess at what jason varitek's favorite musical is, WE GOT YOU COVERED ("godspell", btw).

BECAUSE WHO CARES IF YOU'RE LYING ABOUT SOMEONE IF THEIR DICK IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE.

to begin our jaunt into fan-fiction, we've got THE HIT DOG and his five favorite restaurant chains. lets get wet.

HONORABLE MENTION - COMBINATION DUNKIN' DONUTS/BASKIN-ROBBINS

"excuse me sir, you can't put hot fudge on that french cruller."

"mr. vaughn, the soft serve machine is NOT made for head dunking."

"i'm sorry mo, but you can not drink the donut batter before we put it into the oven."

RULES RULES RULES. THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T GET TO BE IN THE TOP FIVE, DUNKIN.

#5 - DENNY'S 

 

let it be known that mo vaughn doesn't HAVE to eat at denny's. even though his baseball career went south well over a decade ago, he's made enough money in his life to not have to sit next to joe and judy scumbag at denny's, listening to them wax poetically about that time "metallica was really rad." but you can get like, 8 pounds of food for $5 at denny's. and a brother gotta EAT.

#4 - RED ROBIN (YUM) 

mo vaughn knows his burgers. he ain't settling for no "quarter-pound, spray it out of a hose, slap it on a bun, WE DONE" mcdonalds bullshit. AWW HELLLLL NO. the man needs some serious artery clogging ingredients and red robin has those in spades. JUST FUCKING LOOK AT THAT BURGER IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CORNER! coleslaw AND onion rings on a sandwich!? YOU MUST BE OUT YO' GOT DAMN MIND! and, to be honest, i've never been to a red robin before, but they got a kick ass slogan and that's half the battle.

#3 - CARL'S JR

yeah, i know what you're thinking - "dayyyyyyyum, that girl look GOOD. and she's eating meat? THAT'S MY DREAM GIRL, DAWG!"

news flash, hombre. tits ain't real, burger ain't real, and i think she used to date someone with two first names. just disgusting.

#2 - HOOTERS

coming in at a close second, we have hooters, or as mo calls it, "tuesday". 

now that i've made it this far, i've realized that it's actually pretty difficult to write a both original and funny joke about hooters. in retrospect, i should've picked little caesars. BECAUSE THE FUCKING JOKES JUST WRITE THEMSELVES WHEN IT COMES TO THE GREEKS.

#1 - OLD COUNTRY BUFFET 

PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED MACARONI AND CHEESE! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED SALISBURY STEAK! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED POPCORN SHRIMP! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED GOULASH! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED UNLIMITED BREAD STICKS! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED GOING UP AND GETTING THIRDS! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED THE OLD COUNTRY BUFFET, WHERE THE WEALTHY MAN CAN PAY LITTLE TO NO MONEY AND SHOVEL GRADE D FOOD DOWN HIS MOUTH GULLET JUST LIKE THE POOR MAN!

AND PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED QUADRUPLE PLY TOILET PAPER, CAUSE YOU'RE BRINGING IT ALL HOME TONIGHT!

BULLETPOINTS: MAGIC VS HAWKS GAME 6

1. Peace out Orlando Magic. You were a pretty good team this year but in the end you had Hedo Turkoglu and Gilbert Arenas and in 2011 that's not going to get you anywhere. Somewhere in Atlanta Stan Van Gundy is in a fast food parking lot working on another chin.
2. Peace out Kirk Heinrich? Dude went down in the 4th quarter with some leg injury. You'd think he'd have enough pads and sleeves and protective garments to keep him healthy. I mean, look at him. I think Simmons made the observation that he looks like an NBA 2K player. And he still cuts his hair with a spoon.
3. The Dwight Howard/Zaza Pachulia thing is ACTUALLY a rivalry now. Those dudes actually hate each other. That, or Zaza actually hates everyone and wants people to think he's a tough guy so he annoys the hell out of big men until they try to throw him to the floor or shove him or punch him or uh, slap him. Next year I predict the NBA noticing that Zaza is a huge dickhead and T-ing him up at least enough times to suspend him a game.
4. Apparently someone on the Hawks' bench looks like Xavier McDaniel. Very important -- who is it? I say Josh Powell.
5. Now the Hawks get to lose to the Bulls in round 2. Expect an insane Joakim Noah/Zaza Pachulia match-up where Joakim wants to win more than Zaza wants to annoy Joakim. If Heinrich comes back, get ready for a REALLY EXCITING RETURN TO CHICAGO where dude got his start. Also expect a total blowing up of Chicaco's 2-spot cos there's no way in hell the dreaded trio of Bogans/Brewer/Korver can handle Joe Johnson, though Chicago out-mans Atlanta in every other aspect of the game.

MUSIC DON'T LIE VOL. 3 - PAT GARRITY

name three things that white nba players are known for. it's okay, i know this is a hard one, you can time your time. all set? more than likely, you wrote down any three of the following traits - decent at jump shooting, can catch a ball without dropping it, adequate dribbling, being a good teammate (read: sits on the bench and cheers REAL HARD) and general joke fodder. i would have also accepted "played at duke."

so what happens if you're a white man without any of the traits listed above? what happens if you played your college ball at norte dame and, according to wikipedia, you put up THE WORLD-BEATING PERFORMANCE of "averaging double-digits in scoring in all four seasons"? what happens if you look more like a guy who would violate you with a lacrosse stick than someone who could go toe-to-toe with the nba greats? what happens if you're simply not that talented? why, you get traded for MORE white people, of course. problem is, pat garrity was traded for BOTH dirk nowitzki (arguably the best european player of all time) AND steve nash (un-arguably the best canadian player of all time) IN THE SAME OFFSEASON.

yikes. sorry pat. take a cue from mike skinner, another white man in a predominately black medium, and just try to stay positive.

BULLETPOINTS: SPURS VS GRIZZLES GAME 4

1. See that guy up there? That's The King. He's a Grizzles fan so OF COURSE they killed it on WWE Draft night.
2. San Antonio's 6 forwards + Tim Duncan scored a combined 26 points. TWENTY-SIX. Tony Parker scored 23 to his head. Remember when Tim Duncan used to do that by himself? No more. Tim Duncan is officially an old man.
3. The Memphis crowd emphatically booed Matt Bonner when he entered the game in the first quarter. Maybe he bad-mouthed one of their prized sandwiches. (actually he didn't badmouth their sandwiches but when he wrote about Memphis sandwiches he wrote about fucking Subway)
4. Zero Memphis players scored more than 15 points, but only three scored less than 8. And two of those three only played 3 minutes. That means pretty much EVERYONE who played real minutes for the Grizzles tonight got theirs and spread the ball around. Holler at first half Greivis Vasquez.
5. I said this series would go to 7 games with the Spurs winning. I wasn't factoring in the Spurs' total lack of wanting to win. I wasn't factoring in the Grizzles lighting up on some 2007 Golden State fearlessness. They're not supposed to win, so shit's coming easy to them. Sure would like to see them in the next round.

2011 WWE DRAFT LIVE BLOG : LARGE MEN GO BYE-BYE

we watchin' this on sky sports hd. EXPECT SOME BRITS

9:00 - this program also contains strobe lighting effects. so friendly

9:05 - if anyone can stop paul whight, it's sexual chocolate. got that oozy 'betes

 9:12 - WHO GOT THE BIGGER SHIRT CENA OR BIG SHOW? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

9:16 - FIRST PICK -  john cener to smackdown. john cena on the syfy network can only mean one thing - MEGASHARK VS. CENA

9:21 - someone get me that big wwe necklace. get my 'quis on DRIP DRIP DIP

9:24 - BLACK MAN GON' WI' BLACK MAN GON' WI'

9:25 - r-truth became a heel by smoking a cigarette and wearing a bandanna. he also became a jet

9:38 - diva's match = basketball game. GIMMIE DAT Z-BO

9:45 - FUCK A SPUR. turned back to raw just in time to see the SECOND PICK - rey mysterio to raw. my roommate estimates him to be about forty-two years old by now. i concur

9:57 - i don't think one thing of note happened in the last 25 minutes. but hold your horses we got a THIRD PICK - randy orton to smackdown. shiiiiit. i'm more interested in thinking about where ja rule wenT

9:58 - get this? ja rule? going to jail. WHO THE FUCK KNEW?

10:00 - booker t also = basketball game

10:20 - oh cm punk. you're the only one i really care about <3

10:26 - two picks for smackdown? BAH GOD BAH GOD

10:28 - FOURTH PICK - mark henry to smackdown. jesus doesn't even care.  

10:29 - FIFTH PICK - sin cara to smackdown. i have no idea who this is, i'm sorry. here's a picture of some white women

10:35 - is it odd that this is the first match of the night where the wrestlers weren't shirtless?

10:41 - SIXTH PICK - big show to raw. WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER CATERING TRUCK

10:42 - SEVENTH PICK - alberto del rio to raw. well, they may have lost john cena BUT AT LEAST THEY GOT THE SUN AMIRITE? #shootmefuckthisshow

10:56 - so almost every wrestler tonight has been wearing tights with a t-shirt. and they've all looked like moms at a beach

11:03 - MARK HENRY HEEL TURN. BIGGEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT

11:05 - aaaand, EIGHTH PICK - john cena to raw. well... fuck. my night has been a waste of time. time to watch king of the hill for three hours

THE SECRET TO THE PACERS' SUCCESS