R.I.P. RON ARTEST

STANLEY CUP GAME 7

Pretty psyched about tonite's Stanley Cup Finals Game 7. Been watching all the games maybe for the first time ever and it's so exciting it made me write a post on it. Let me start by saying I know next to nothing about hockey. I know most of the rules and most of the teams but it's a sport I cannot play so it's a sport that I find hard to actually follow. Both teams probably deserve to win but I'm picking the Bruins 1) cos I'm from Massachusetts and 2) cos they're due to fucking score in Canada. They scored almost 20 goals in Boston in those three games and scored next to nothing in Vancouver. I say shit averages out and Boston scores at least 3 goals tonite while Tim Thomas holds the Canucks to UNDER 3 goals while saving something like 38 shots. Dude's insane. He's got to feel good about not giving up more than 3 goals in a game this Finals and he only did that once. Come on Boston, help prove Luongo is a chump and score.

NBA EASTERN CONFERENCE GAME 5 LIVE BLOG

8:35 - REST IN PEACE TATANKA

8:37 - mike miller got more body armor than brian barber. FIGURE THAT ONE OUT, AMERICA

8:38 - next time you're feeling good about yourself, remember that carlos boozer makes $16 million a year

8:41 -NICE LAY-UP ATTEMPT, BOOZER. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, CHRIS BOSH'S HEAD IS NOT THE BASKET

8:45 -oof. first timeout of the game, bulls down 12-6. since starting the game up 4-0, the bulls are 1-8 from the field with 2 turnovers and 3 personal fouls. already thinking about turning on vh1 classic and calling it a night

8:48 -  WHO ELSE WOULD TAKE THE FIRST SHOT OUT OF THE BREAK IF NOT KEITH BOGANS?

8:52 - LOUL DENG CAROLINA RISE UP

8:56 - don't you hate it when you try to take a sip of beer but then you see udonis haslem? disgusting

8:58 - one of my favorite activities is trying to figure out which nba player is which animorph. doc rivers is a catfish, jermaine o'neal is THE sleepiest tabby cat, and etc. i guess what i'm trying to say is that derrick rose is on some puma shit

9:02 - UNH UH, YOU CAN'T TELL DENG NOTHIN'

9:03 - 15-6 chi-town run to close out the quarter, and the bulls are on top by 4 after the 1st. even more exciting : just remembered that dj qualls exists

9:07 - SENTENCES NEVER SPOKEN BEFORE VOL. 1 - " ... playing because omer asik is injured"

9:10 - remember when people used to think that kyle korver looked like ashton kutcher? #FUCKA2004

9:12 - what is more rare? : an attractive blind person or a well-executed cj watson possession?

9:14 - FUCK YES KUNG FU PANDA 2 

9:23 - SENTENCES NEVER SPOKEN BEFORE VOL. 2 - "nice job cj watson"

9:28 - whoops! mike miller is alive

9:30 - APPROVE A MILLION DOLLAR DEAL FROM MY N-GAGE

9:36 - this second quarter just isn't doing it for me. maybe it has something to do with the influx of ronnie brewer

9:38 - carlos boozer - 2 points, 3 fouls. 8 MILLION DOLLARS A POINT, PLEASE

9:44 - chicago up 7 going into haltime. derrick rose doing a shit-ton of slash and drive offense, and with deng and korver nailing their jumpers, this shit may just make it to game 7. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, 8 POINTS FROM CHRIS BOSH MEANS THAT WE'RE HAVING A REAL FUN TIME

9:47 - HALFTIME = BEANTIME. IM'A MAKE SO MANY BLACK BEANS, IT'LL MAKE YR HEAD SPIN

9:54 - just wanna slap this dude in the geico commerical so fucking bad. i'ma make a gecko stew while i'm at it

10:02 - so dwayne wade is hurt according to THE JET and steve kerr. or maybe, you know, he just don't give a fuck tonight (didn't like the new wayne? bad sex? butt grump?) and is gonna bust out for 40 in game 6

10:12 - KEITH BOGANS FOOOOOOOOOR THREE

10:13 - is how it SHOULD be delivered, if the bulls PA guy wasn't a dull fuck

10:15 - 13 point chicago lead and it's looking like the breaking point

10:17 - thinking about buying some sensodyne pronamel AND I AIN'T EVEN GOT SENSITIVE NAMEL

10:21 - never hated anything more than mike miller's mouth-guard

10:23 - BOOZER GOONS UP LEBRON AND THE CROWD GOES WILD

10:27 - annnnnnnnd the wheels have gone off. HEY BOOZER, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SENDING A MESSAGE TO LEBRON WHEN YR ONLY UP 9 AND BARELY HANGING ON IN THIS SERIES

10:29 - there is nothing funnier than marv albert reading promos for franklin and bash

10:30 - CHRISH BASH

10:32 - had i actually gone and watched vh1 classic back when chicago was up 13, and you told me that the heat would have 57 points going into the 4th quarter, i would have probably guessed the bulls were up 28. but carlos boozer is 1-7 with 2 rebounds and 0 attractive faces and the bulls are only up 5. BARNBURNER

10:39 - kurt thomas has been playing professional basketball since before i had pubes

10:41 - STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES, PEOPLE MAGAZINE GAVE FRANKLIN AND BASH 3 OUTTA 4 STARS

10:48 - loul deng checks back in with 5 fouls and over 7 minutes to go. steve kerr talking like it's a risky decision. they're down 3-1. fuck you steve kerr

10:53 - KURT THOMAS TONE SETTER LIKE WHOA. but, once again, flagrant fouls when you're BARELY hanging on in this series is such a dicey move... 

11:01 - and in the end, it all came down to ronnie brewer and kurt thomas like we all knew it would

11:06 - hole-y shit. wade with a redic 3 AND 1. heat down 3 with about a minute twenty to go

11:10 - this lebron character is pretty good

11:15 - unreal.

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS GAME 2 LIVEBLOG

8:32 -- So the Ice Cube Coors Light commercial is growing on me as one of the funniest ads of the 2011 playoffs. "DID YOU JUST SNOW ON ME?" Really too bad it was just followed by Outback Steakhouse a.k.a. the bottom of the bucket.
8:34 -- Pretty cool how they play Common & Kanye's "Southside" in the intro and you don't have to hear Common at all.
8:42 -- So far the only notable thing about this game is that I still don't like Carlos Boozer's beard.
8:44 -- Kevin Harlan just referred to Bogans as Boozer and this further proves that Kevin Harlan should commit a sex crime and get fired. Oh? What's that? It's actually Marv Albert? a-hee-hee
8:45 -- It's ridiculous that Jamaal Magloire is playing let alone dunking. 18 regular season game, second of this series. Get off the floor, let Udonis Haslem play and get that second "a" out your name.
8:52 -- LUOL DENG ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
8:56 -- C.J. Watson sleeve swagged up.
9:01 -- The Heat. You Scared.
9:10 -- Three quick fouls on Chicago in the first 46 seconds of the third quarter. Conspiracy <3 South Beach.
9:17 -- I don't think I've ever see this Heat lineup -- Rose, Brewer, Korver, Gibson, Asik. Still not into Asik's game enough to think its a good idea to keep that lineup out for long but it's working.
10:19 -- Oops Miami eight unanswered points after I forgot to go back and watch the start of the second half. Now What?
10:23 -- That Udonis dunk, she wrote.
10:29 -- You think if Haslem blew out his braids it'd look like Joakim head?
10:45 -- Dwayne Wade threw the ball off of Omer Asik and it went out of bounds and the Bulls got the ball.
10:46 -- Derrick Rose wants to win so much more than everyone else on the floor.
10:54 -- Miami Big Three ain't scored in the last 10 minutes. How does that make any sense at all? Also, there is no player I like to see bleed more than Omer Asik.
11:01 -- United Center blasting "Everybody Dance Now" post LeBron breaking the tie and putting the Heat up 5.
11:03 -- Taj Gibson has gotten some stupid dunk attempts to go in tonite, though fails to convert on the and-1.
11:07 -- Well, sorry Chicago. LeBron 'BOUNCED BACK' and did ya good. SEE YOU IN SOUTH BEACH.

NBA'S LEAST PRETTY BALLERS 2010-11 PT. 2

 

first and foremost, we at paul don't lie apologize for the sporadic updates as of late. one of us just started a full-time job and the other REALLY fucking likes 'king of the hill', so there's maybe five hours in the day when he's not boomin' his hauer. BUT WE PULLIN' A GRANT HILL, AMERICA! WE RISING! and what better way to come back than to post pictures of ugly dudes who pull tail WAY above their heads. call it petty, call it mean, call it whatever you want. just remember : if you have money, we all fucking hate you.

CENTRAL DIVISION

CHICAGO BULLS

UPSET ALERT! UPSET ALERT! UPSET ALERT!

fucccck, we starting with some controversial shit right here. everyone in the audience was CERTAIN that we were going joakim. betting their cars. betting their mortgage. betting their KIDS. "MONEY IN THE BANK," they shouted, "MONEY IN THE BANK!" someone better call dolph ziggler, cause we're gonna need some crowd control in this joint. and i mean, c'mon, lets be frank - joakim noah is not a handsome man, far from it. i know this just as well as you do. I'M NOT BLIND! but, ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT an ugliness contest. this is a least pretty contest. and omer asik is the least pretty man i've seen all day. just look at him. FUUUUCK! he may only be fifteen years old, he may exclusively listen to train, i just don't know, but this sweaty turk DEFINITELY has a quaff, so he sucks and i hate him. 

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS

IS THAT ED BEGLEY JR? IS THAT CHRIS MULLIN WITH A SERIOUS CASE OF BAD HEAD? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? pro tip, ladies : if a guy wears a number higher than forty-three, he's going to end up either pissing on your couch or pissing in your sink. WOULD YOU RISK ALL THAT JUST TO HANG OUT WITH STAN SITWELL? 

DETROIT PISTONS 

[this post has been redacted by the american cancer society. we wholeheartedly apologize for any pain or suffering it may have caused]

FREE KEVIN THAT'S THE FUCKING SHIT

INDIANA PACERS 

something i'm noticing after going through all of these teams: white nba players are SO much less pretty than their black counterparts. i'm talking nine times out of ten, as you look up and down the roster of a team, you're going to be DISGUSTED by the white bois that you find. case in point, mike dunleavy jr. do i blame this on the fact that they're mostly 7 foot tall eastern europeans with bad haircuts? fuck and yes.

MILWAUKEE BUCKS 

i'm conflicted with this one. drew gooden isn't what i would refer to as a pretty man (CARLOS DELFINO RISE UP), but he ain't no jordan farmar looking mo'fucker either. but there is NO ONE on the roster that is i better choice, i swear. i'm telling you, take a look at the milwaukee bucks roster and find someone else. GO AHEAD NOW! I GOT TIME AND A BOWL OF RICE, I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE! and fuck YOU if you tell me that i should've picked luc richard mbah a moute. dudes got swagger by the letter and fuck if that ain't a lot.

BULLETPOINTS: LAKERS VS MAVERICKS GAME 4

1. The Lakers... embarrassing, right? Gasoft.
2. Lamar Odom is a jerk, but Andrew Bynum is a thug. J.J. Barea is a TINY MAN. I'm talking small like the dude in the Thunder jersey in that one NBA commercial where he dreams of hitting a buzzer beater against the Celtics. Andrew Bynum is an ENORMOUS MAN just knocking down the scrappy little Puerto Rican dude for no reason.
3. So long Phil Jackson. Wouldn't your FOURTH three-peat have tasted like a so delicious luxury meal? Yes, it would have. But instead you got swept, which I'm sure tastes more like shit. BRING ON THE BRIAN SHAW ERA.
4. Simply put, this game was ONLY fun to watch if you're a Mavericks fan. Who wants to see any team slaughter another team unless it's the team they're rooting for? Big ups to the Mavs though -- 60% from the field including 62.5% from three point range. That's evidence of wanting to win right there. Dirk Nowitzki only scored 17 points (well under his 25.7PPG playoff career average) but the bench killed it with Jason Terry, Peja Stojakovic and J.J. Barea combining for 75 points on 27 for 35 shooting. Mindblowing.

ONE WORD : TRUTH

BULLETPOINTS : GRIZZLIES VS. THUNDER GAME 3

1. i hate russell westbrook. easily my least favorite player in the nba. i understand that he's a shoot-first point guard. i understand that his confidence is through the roof after being the thirrd best player on the FIBA championship team. i understand that he's possibly the most agile guard in the nba, save for rondo and d-rose. but he is, easily, THE WORST point guard in the nba. let me breakdown a russell westbrook half-court possession - dribble the ball by yourself four feet from the three-point line for ten seconds, call off durant who is looking to set a high screen, drive to your "spot" on the floor (aka eighteen feet from the hoop at the shoulder of the free-throw line), hoist up and miss a jumper. i counted, and durant did not touch the ball in four of the final eight possessions of the game. FOUR OF THE FINAL EIGHT! AND WESTBROOK DIDN'T EVEN PASS THE BALL IN THREE OF THOSE! fuck you russell westbrook. watch 'boondock saints' on your own time.

2. i've been down on kendrick perkins for pretty much the entire playoffs so far, but he did show up to play today. thirty plus minutes, thirteen boards and, most importantly, he played up his enforcer role as best he could. too bad he has to double those numbers for the rest of this series to match the production of the memphis front-court. thunder front-court (ibaka and perkins) : a combined twenty points and twenty one boards. serviceable, but nothing amazing. the memphis front-court (randolph and gasol), meanwhile : a combined thirty seven points and twenty eight (!) boards. total destruction. even the iranian dream, hamed haddadi, threw up five points in six minutes. swag.

3.  this series is hardly over yet (and i do expect it to go seven), but memphis is going to win every single one of these hard-nosed, grind-it-out, make-every-possession-count type of games. and that's an amazing thing to say because they have tony allen on their team and he's the biggest fuck up in the nba. in the second quarter, dude hung on the rim after fouling a player, giving them an automatic basket, a free-throw AND a technical free-throw. such a fucking moron.

4. in z-bo we trust.

AN ODE TO MY FAVORITE GERMAN

DIRK,
OH DIRK.
DO OTHERS UNDERSTAND?
DO OTHERS KNOW JUST HOW TALENTED YOU ARE?
DO OTHERS REALIZE THAT YOU JUST PUT THE LAKERS IN, AS BERNIE MAC WOULD SAY, "TROUBLEEEE TROUBLEEEE TROUBLEEEE"?

WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES YOU SO WONDERFUL?
IS IT YOUR TOOTHY GRIN?
YOUR  HAPPY DISPOSITION?
YOUR MONGO FOREHEAD?
YOUR UNABATED LOVE FOR A SHORT CANADIAN WITH FLOPPY HAIR?

TRUTHFULLY, I DON'T EVEN CARE, BUT JUST TELL ME THIS,
HOW DO YOU SHOOT OFF ONE FOOT WITH MORE ACCURACY THAN I HAVE WITH TWO?
AND I'M TRYING DIRK, I SWEAR -
SPOT UP, SHOULDERS LEVEL WITH MY KNEES, LET 'ER RIP -
NOTHING BUT BACK RIM.

BUT YOU, DIRK, YOU ARE JUST SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
YOU THROW THE BALL AT THE HOOP ALL WILLY NILLY,
SEEMINGLY WITH NO IDEA WHERE IT'S GOING TO LAND.
BUT, WHOOPS, GUESS WHERE IT LANDED?
BOTTOM OF THE NET, BOUNCING OFF LAMAR ODOM'S HEAD.

IS IT A COINCIDENCE THAT YOUR BEST WEEK AS A PRO COINCIDES WITH THE RELEASE OF THOR?
I'M NOT ONE TO MAKE BIG CLAIMS, DIRK,
BUT LETS SAY YOU ARE A GOD.
LETS SAY YOU ARE THOR -
LET ME FUCK NATALIE PORTMAN.

NBA ROUND 2 LIVE BLOG

1:02 - hubie brown is 2 months away from his nose falling off, his face becoming a bit more gaunt, and speaking entirely in puns. HE MY CRYPTKEEPER

1:07 - z-bo got the prettiest, ugly offense i've ever seen.

1:08 - Z BO BARRELING DOWN THE LANE. he's got 7 points, the thunder have 4. ONE MAN GANG ONE MAN GANG

1:11 - good to see that kp43 still wraps his hands in granite before every game

1:12 - i'm just kidding kendrick. daddy misses you

1:15 - is green lantern going to be all outer-space fighting or will i get some shirtless ryan reynolds as well?

1:18 - mike conley look like a swaggier robert downey jr

1:19 - LIL B AS TONY STARK 2014

1:23 - is there any nice way to say that a brother looks like he shops at tj maxx? cause i don't have many kind words to say about his basketball ability, but shane battier looks like he's REAL good at tennis.

1:28 - AT THE END OF 1, GRIZZLIES = 28, THUNDER = 24, GREIVIS VASQUEZ = LOSER

1:34 - DAEQUAN COOK IS STILL IN THE NBA?!

1:38 - oooooh, oj the juiceman with the FINE take AND 1. grizzlies looking like they're on some 'we are marshall' shit so far

1:42 - someone get james harden some ciabatta rolls. looks like a sad dad

1:45 - smoov' sam young with a nice putback and memphis up 11 early on. but hey, at least oklahoma city still has ______

1:50 - all z-bo do is grab weakside boards ALL DAY LONG

1:52 - SAM YOUNG WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHOT?! HERO

1:57 - westbrook has already entered into "huck it" mode. fastest guy on the court BY FAR and he settles for 14 foot jumpers

1:58 - MIKE CONLEY 25 FOOT BOUNCE PASS FUCK HAVE MY BABIES

2:02 - YOU CAN NOT STOP MIKE CONLEY! HE WILL PUT THAT BALL INTO THE SQUARE OF YOUR BACK AND GET FREE THROWS FOR IT

2:04 - "I MEAN, WE FEEL GOOD. WE GOT YOUNG GUYS. THEY SHOULDN'T EVER BE TIRED" - ZACH RANDOLPH

2:05 - grizzlies up 10, 57 - 47, at halftime. quick thoughts on the first half - 1. if memphis can keep hitting jump shoots, tell me why they can't win the nba title this year? 2. everyone praises OKC for being young, fast and athletic, but save for westbrook, durant, and maybe SERGE IBLOCKA, memphis is younger, faster and more athletic than everyone on OKC. 3. HELLO? KENDRICK PERKINS? YOU THERE, BUDDY? YOU WANNA START PLAYING DEFENSE ON Z-BO OR DO... UH... ANYTHING OF NOTE?

2:16 - strong proponent of abc using 'thunderoad' as bumper music. STRONG PROPONENT

2:25 - fuuuuuuuuck, that cover of 'black dog' is the worst thing i've ever heard and they just keep playing it over and over and over and over and

2:27 - all mike tirico talks about is how "russell westbrook can't finish at the rim." UNLIKE MIKE TIRICO, WHO TOLD A GIRL THAT, IF HE WAS SINGLE, HE WAS GOING TO THROW HER ON A TABLE AND FUCK HER BRAINS OUT

2:28 - http://deadspin.com/#!191242/here-are-those-tirico-stories-we-hinted-at-last-week

2:30 - FUCK TONY ALLEN WITH THE SPIDERMAN STEAL. thunder down 3 with z-bo heading to the line for 2

2:32 - Z-BO! SO MANLY! MEMPHIS BACK UP 7

2:35 - the last few minutes of the game has turned into zach randolph vs. kevin durant. HONEY DEW DONUTS VS. PANERA BREAD

2:42 - "every team should have at least 3 or 4 nick collisons" - hubie brown

2:43 - 2 minutes and change to go in the 3rd, memphis up 9, Z-BO with 26 points already. someone get that man a fucking towel

2:46 - IBLOCKA'S GOT 14 BLOCKS IN THE PAST 7 QUARTERS WHAT THE FUCK

2:50 - 9-0 memphis run to finish the quarter at they're up 13 points as we go to the 4th. HEY THUNDER, PRO TIP : GUARD THE STUPID LOOKING BIG GUYS ON MEMPHIS. DOESN'T MATTER WHICH RACE YOU CHOOSE, JUST GUARD THEM

2:58 - all the grizzlies with a positive "plus-minus" EXCEPT tony allen. OOPS!

3:01 - WHO THE FUCK IS DARRELL AURTHUR? I PLAYED FANTASY BASKETBALL. I KNOW MOST OF THE NBA. WHO THE FUCK IS DARRELL AURTHUR?

3:09 - c'mon memphis, don't forget who brought you to the dance. feed the ball to z-bo

3:13 - STOP HITTING MARC IN THE FACE. don't want that boy to be any uglier than he already is. dude is reppin' a 18 and 10, though.

3:17 - the thunder have officially entered in "european basketball mode". aka flopping. every fucking possession

3:19 - i think russell westbrook has to be the most frustrating player in the nba. 8 for 21, 13 missed jumpers. HEY BRAY, YOU GOT KEVIN DURANT ON YOUR TEAM. JUST GIVE HIM THE BALL EVERY TIME DOWN THE COURT

3:24 - side note : FUCK YOU BOBBY JENKS  

3:26 - timeout on the floor, memphis up 11, 106 - 95. z-bo has 31 and 11 and is my favorite man

3:32 - memphis is going to win this one. first 8 seed to ever win the first game of their next series. i've been preaching it all day, but, really Z-BO

3:35 - he and gasol combine for 50 and 22. WOWZERS. memphis wins by 13, 114 - 101. this is going to be a real good series, mainly if westbrook starts hitting his shots. while westbrook was a glaring fault today, the thunder are going to have to get some production out of perkins and/or harden as well. IBLOCKA is a beast, no doubt, and durant will always get his, but the jeff green trade was to both showcase harden more (who shit the bed) and, obviously, acquire perkins (who only put up 2 points, 6 rebounds and 1 assist but somehow felt even more useless) and they both contributed nothing. if memphis continues to dictate the flow of the game via turnovers and fast-break points, along with hitting their jumpers, they're taking the series in 6.

EITHER WAY FUCK BOBBY JENKS AND THE MIAMI HEAT

NBA PLAYOFFS PREVIEW PT. 2A

Three big surprises for me in Round 1: The Mavs not blowing it, the Magic completely blowing it and the Grizzlies GOING IN on some 2007 Golden State Warriors shit. Otherwise everything I predicted went pretty much as planned, aside from the Celtics SWEEPING and the Lakers NOT sweeping. Now we've got 4 really interesting series to determine the Conference Finals contenders and HOLY SHIT it's still possible that we could have a Celtics-Thunder Final. Impossible? No. Improbable? Yeah.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

EAST

#1 BULLS VS #5 HAWKS

I think the Bulls will win this series mostly because I had zero faith in the Hawks that they'd beat the Magic in Round 1. However, the Hawks have a couple advantages over Chicago. I mentioned the other day how Atlanta has Chicago's 2-guard spot's number no matter what. There's no one in their rotation to stop Joe Johnson. And don't expect Keith Bogans to go for 5 three-pointers again like he did in a game last round. The Hawks also might have a slight advantage at the Power Forward position. There's some speculation that Carlos Boozer is too soft for playoff basketball. Dude doesn't play defense and his offensive numbers have been way down this postseason. He's only scoring 10 points per game, down 7PPG from the regular season, and he's down from 51% shooting in the regular reason to 36% in the playoffs. Al Horford, on the other hand, has been on the up. I expect Johnson and Horford to score more in this series than versus the Magic.

However, the rest of the Bulls are just too much. Gimped-out Kirk Heinrich won't be able to contain Derrick Rose. Then again, who can? Joakim Noah will outplay the Hawks' center position, causing Zaza Pachulia to become completely useless. Noah is nuts. Do you think Zaza is sophisticated enough to know the difference between getting into Dwight "referee target" Howard's head or into a wild man's head? Bulls in 6.



#2 HEAT VS #3 CELTICS

This is probably the most anticipated series in the entire playoffs. The Big Three versus The Fantastic Four Formerly Known As The Big Three. Everyone's talking how Rondo has to take over Boston's offense in order for them to win. I say he will do this 4.5 times out of the 7 games with at least one triple double and no more of that scoring 30 points business. This is the Celts' last chance to win with their aging core unless they miraculously pick up Dwight Howard as a result of his impending free agency in 2012. I don't think there's a real favorite here, but I'm going Celtics in 7 games because 1) I want to see as much playoff basketball as possible and 2) I want to see Mike Miller cry.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

WEST

#8 GRIZZLES VS #4 THUNDER

Celtics/Heat is the most anticipated match-up of the playoffs but this series is the most exciting and least expected. I think the Thunder have the edge cos of their superstar power with Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, but the Grizzles have a lot of momentum. Either way, there's a storyline as long as one of these teams play the Lakers in the Conference Final. There's the OKC/Los Angeles rematch from last year, then again there's the HOT Gasol/Gasol action if Memphis wins. I say Thunder in 7 with the edge strictly because of Durant. However, if they keep on giving the ball to Westbrook in crunch time and he keeps blowing it I don't know how long they'll survive. Also James Harden's beard > O.J. Mayo's beard.

#2 LAKERS VS #3 MAVERICKS

The Mavericks are still the most boring team in the playoffs, so what better way for them to leave the playoffs than by being trounced by the Lakers? I think very few people have Dallas in this series and for good reason -- they're old. I'm sick and tired of Rick Carlisle. I'm sick and tired of Shawn Marion and Jason Kidd shooting the ball. I'm sick and tired of Dirk Nowitzki post-game interviews. I don't WANT THE LAKERS to win, but if they do it'd be a better storyline for the Conference Finals and THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, YA CREAMO. Lakers in 6.

PAUL GOT THEORY VOL. 1 - MO VAUGHN'S FIVE FAVORITE RESTAURANT CHAINS

have you ever thought to yourself, "damn, i wonder if charlie villanueva is sitting down watching this very same episode of 'how i met your mother' that i am?" or, "i'd really like this tiramisu a lot more if i knew that it was goran dragic's favorite pastry"? of course you have, YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN. we here at PDL strive to help our fellow man, which is why we are introducing a new feature to our website entitled "paul got theory". NO LONGER will you have to guess at what jason varitek's favorite musical is, WE GOT YOU COVERED ("godspell", btw).

BECAUSE WHO CARES IF YOU'RE LYING ABOUT SOMEONE IF THEIR DICK IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE.

to begin our jaunt into fan-fiction, we've got THE HIT DOG and his five favorite restaurant chains. lets get wet.

HONORABLE MENTION - COMBINATION DUNKIN' DONUTS/BASKIN-ROBBINS

"excuse me sir, you can't put hot fudge on that french cruller."

"mr. vaughn, the soft serve machine is NOT made for head dunking."

"i'm sorry mo, but you can not drink the donut batter before we put it into the oven."

RULES RULES RULES. THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T GET TO BE IN THE TOP FIVE, DUNKIN.

#5 - DENNY'S 

 

let it be known that mo vaughn doesn't HAVE to eat at denny's. even though his baseball career went south well over a decade ago, he's made enough money in his life to not have to sit next to joe and judy scumbag at denny's, listening to them wax poetically about that time "metallica was really rad." but you can get like, 8 pounds of food for $5 at denny's. and a brother gotta EAT.

#4 - RED ROBIN (YUM) 

mo vaughn knows his burgers. he ain't settling for no "quarter-pound, spray it out of a hose, slap it on a bun, WE DONE" mcdonalds bullshit. AWW HELLLLL NO. the man needs some serious artery clogging ingredients and red robin has those in spades. JUST FUCKING LOOK AT THAT BURGER IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CORNER! coleslaw AND onion rings on a sandwich!? YOU MUST BE OUT YO' GOT DAMN MIND! and, to be honest, i've never been to a red robin before, but they got a kick ass slogan and that's half the battle.

#3 - CARL'S JR

yeah, i know what you're thinking - "dayyyyyyyum, that girl look GOOD. and she's eating meat? THAT'S MY DREAM GIRL, DAWG!"

news flash, hombre. tits ain't real, burger ain't real, and i think she used to date someone with two first names. just disgusting.

#2 - HOOTERS

coming in at a close second, we have hooters, or as mo calls it, "tuesday". 

now that i've made it this far, i've realized that it's actually pretty difficult to write a both original and funny joke about hooters. in retrospect, i should've picked little caesars. BECAUSE THE FUCKING JOKES JUST WRITE THEMSELVES WHEN IT COMES TO THE GREEKS.

#1 - OLD COUNTRY BUFFET 

PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED MACARONI AND CHEESE! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED SALISBURY STEAK! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED POPCORN SHRIMP! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED GOULASH! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED UNLIMITED BREAD STICKS! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED GOING UP AND GETTING THIRDS! PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED THE OLD COUNTRY BUFFET, WHERE THE WEALTHY MAN CAN PAY LITTLE TO NO MONEY AND SHOVEL GRADE D FOOD DOWN HIS MOUTH GULLET JUST LIKE THE POOR MAN!

AND PRAISE BE TO THE MAN WHO INVENTED QUADRUPLE PLY TOILET PAPER, CAUSE YOU'RE BRINGING IT ALL HOME TONIGHT!

BULLETPOINTS: MAGIC VS HAWKS GAME 6

1. Peace out Orlando Magic. You were a pretty good team this year but in the end you had Hedo Turkoglu and Gilbert Arenas and in 2011 that's not going to get you anywhere. Somewhere in Atlanta Stan Van Gundy is in a fast food parking lot working on another chin.
2. Peace out Kirk Heinrich? Dude went down in the 4th quarter with some leg injury. You'd think he'd have enough pads and sleeves and protective garments to keep him healthy. I mean, look at him. I think Simmons made the observation that he looks like an NBA 2K player. And he still cuts his hair with a spoon.
3. The Dwight Howard/Zaza Pachulia thing is ACTUALLY a rivalry now. Those dudes actually hate each other. That, or Zaza actually hates everyone and wants people to think he's a tough guy so he annoys the hell out of big men until they try to throw him to the floor or shove him or punch him or uh, slap him. Next year I predict the NBA noticing that Zaza is a huge dickhead and T-ing him up at least enough times to suspend him a game.
4. Apparently someone on the Hawks' bench looks like Xavier McDaniel. Very important -- who is it? I say Josh Powell.
5. Now the Hawks get to lose to the Bulls in round 2. Expect an insane Joakim Noah/Zaza Pachulia match-up where Joakim wants to win more than Zaza wants to annoy Joakim. If Heinrich comes back, get ready for a REALLY EXCITING RETURN TO CHICAGO where dude got his start. Also expect a total blowing up of Chicaco's 2-spot cos there's no way in hell the dreaded trio of Bogans/Brewer/Korver can handle Joe Johnson, though Chicago out-mans Atlanta in every other aspect of the game.

MUSIC DON'T LIE VOL. 3 - PAT GARRITY

name three things that white nba players are known for. it's okay, i know this is a hard one, you can time your time. all set? more than likely, you wrote down any three of the following traits - decent at jump shooting, can catch a ball without dropping it, adequate dribbling, being a good teammate (read: sits on the bench and cheers REAL HARD) and general joke fodder. i would have also accepted "played at duke."

so what happens if you're a white man without any of the traits listed above? what happens if you played your college ball at norte dame and, according to wikipedia, you put up THE WORLD-BEATING PERFORMANCE of "averaging double-digits in scoring in all four seasons"? what happens if you look more like a guy who would violate you with a lacrosse stick than someone who could go toe-to-toe with the nba greats? what happens if you're simply not that talented? why, you get traded for MORE white people, of course. problem is, pat garrity was traded for BOTH dirk nowitzki (arguably the best european player of all time) AND steve nash (un-arguably the best canadian player of all time) IN THE SAME OFFSEASON.

yikes. sorry pat. take a cue from mike skinner, another white man in a predominately black medium, and just try to stay positive.

BULLETPOINTS: SPURS VS GRIZZLES GAME 4

1. See that guy up there? That's The King. He's a Grizzles fan so OF COURSE they killed it on WWE Draft night.
2. San Antonio's 6 forwards + Tim Duncan scored a combined 26 points. TWENTY-SIX. Tony Parker scored 23 to his head. Remember when Tim Duncan used to do that by himself? No more. Tim Duncan is officially an old man.
3. The Memphis crowd emphatically booed Matt Bonner when he entered the game in the first quarter. Maybe he bad-mouthed one of their prized sandwiches. (actually he didn't badmouth their sandwiches but when he wrote about Memphis sandwiches he wrote about fucking Subway)
4. Zero Memphis players scored more than 15 points, but only three scored less than 8. And two of those three only played 3 minutes. That means pretty much EVERYONE who played real minutes for the Grizzles tonight got theirs and spread the ball around. Holler at first half Greivis Vasquez.
5. I said this series would go to 7 games with the Spurs winning. I wasn't factoring in the Spurs' total lack of wanting to win. I wasn't factoring in the Grizzles lighting up on some 2007 Golden State fearlessness. They're not supposed to win, so shit's coming easy to them. Sure would like to see them in the next round.

2011 WWE DRAFT LIVE BLOG : LARGE MEN GO BYE-BYE

we watchin' this on sky sports hd. EXPECT SOME BRITS

9:00 - this program also contains strobe lighting effects. so friendly

9:05 - if anyone can stop paul whight, it's sexual chocolate. got that oozy 'betes

 9:12 - WHO GOT THE BIGGER SHIRT CENA OR BIG SHOW? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

9:16 - FIRST PICK -  john cener to smackdown. john cena on the syfy network can only mean one thing - MEGASHARK VS. CENA

9:21 - someone get me that big wwe necklace. get my 'quis on DRIP DRIP DIP

9:24 - BLACK MAN GON' WI' BLACK MAN GON' WI'

9:25 - r-truth became a heel by smoking a cigarette and wearing a bandanna. he also became a jet

9:38 - diva's match = basketball game. GIMMIE DAT Z-BO

9:45 - FUCK A SPUR. turned back to raw just in time to see the SECOND PICK - rey mysterio to raw. my roommate estimates him to be about forty-two years old by now. i concur

9:57 - i don't think one thing of note happened in the last 25 minutes. but hold your horses we got a THIRD PICK - randy orton to smackdown. shiiiiit. i'm more interested in thinking about where ja rule wenT

9:58 - get this? ja rule? going to jail. WHO THE FUCK KNEW?

10:00 - booker t also = basketball game

10:20 - oh cm punk. you're the only one i really care about <3

10:26 - two picks for smackdown? BAH GOD BAH GOD

10:28 - FOURTH PICK - mark henry to smackdown. jesus doesn't even care.  

10:29 - FIFTH PICK - sin cara to smackdown. i have no idea who this is, i'm sorry. here's a picture of some white women

10:35 - is it odd that this is the first match of the night where the wrestlers weren't shirtless?

10:41 - SIXTH PICK - big show to raw. WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER CATERING TRUCK

10:42 - SEVENTH PICK - alberto del rio to raw. well, they may have lost john cena BUT AT LEAST THEY GOT THE SUN AMIRITE? #shootmefuckthisshow

10:56 - so almost every wrestler tonight has been wearing tights with a t-shirt. and they've all looked like moms at a beach

11:03 - MARK HENRY HEEL TURN. BIGGEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT

11:05 - aaaand, EIGHTH PICK - john cena to raw. well... fuck. my night has been a waste of time. time to watch king of the hill for three hours

THE SECRET TO THE PACERS' SUCCESS

 

 

 

 

 

BASKETBALL BASKETBALL BASKETBALL BASKETBALL